isawallflower | RYSLIG; ic inbox

[ There's a pause here, as she...considers. ]

It's a nice thought. You're right. A very morbid one, but nice. A person who loves their family enough to go to any lengths to provide for them.

[ It's...hm. She lead them on this subject, but now it feels weird. ]

[It sure does feel weird... Ray's still here for it, but it's much, much weirder than it was five facts ago.]

Oh. Sorry, I wasn't trying to be morbid. That sort of thinking makes me really happy...

[ Ah- ]

No, it's okay. Sometimes I like morbid, as evident by the whole true crime thing. I just
Thinking about that kind of thing is a little strange for me.

[ She...said she'd be honest with Rachel. ]

A family like that isn't something I'm used to. Once it stops being facts, it's harder to not try and compare.

Edited (icon no) 2021-10-17 08:31 (UTC)

[Right... Thinking that sort of thing definitely isn't normal, and even if Riley has her own issues, she still has normal people thoughts and feelings about things. She's a halfway point, maybe.]

No. It isn't something I'm used to either even if I've thought about it. It was something I wanted... I wanted to be desired in both life and death. I don't think I could have ever had that with my parents. Not even in my fantasies... There was someone after who provided anything I asked for and more, but nothing he did was really for me, I think. He wanted "me", but one he wanted and not the "me" that was my true self. He never felt like my ideal family.

But I was able to get close. What's more amazing than someone who would die for you is someone who refuses to die so that he has the chance to fulfill your wish himself. My most precious person is both.

[ Oh. Oh, that's actually... ]

You're right. That does sound amazing.

When you were talking about naming Molly, you mentioned it not feeling right to use a name of someone close to you. Was this the person you were talking about?

I did? Well, I guess that's not surprising since I still think that.

Yes, that's Zack. We saved each other so many times...but that isn't why he's so important to me. He doesn't understand me, but that didn't stop him from telling me to be my own person and decide for myself what I really wanted.

He didn't ever give up on me. No matter how impossible things seemed and even though I told him I would take responsibility for our promise if we couldn’t fulfill it, he refused to let any of it get in the way of him doing what he’d said. And he wanted to. That meant so much.

[ For not the first time, Riley wonders about Rachel's life before Ryslig. What lead her to Danny? What kind of saving does she mean? What kind of world, where she was still talking so much about someone dying for you?

It's the kind of thing she doesn't know if Rachel would answer. It's the kind of thing she doesn't know if she's ready to ask. Still. She wonders. ]

I'm glad you had someone like that there for you before all this. I'd started to think you had no one in your court back home, but I can tell that's not exactly true.

And he's right, you know. I agree with him. It's important for you to have a say in your own life.

I know. As stupid as he is, he's really smart about some things. I miss him a lot, but he's already made me the happiest I could ever be. If I never see him again, I still have those memories. If I lose those here...it still happened. No one can take what we had away. But I do hope I get to remember him forever.

Miss Riley, you said you weren't used to that kind of family either. I don't think there's anyone that could really understand my relationship with Zack, but you said you had friends, right? I think I remember that.

[Mostly because it was her friends that she said she killed.]

You weren't alone?

[ It's not okay if she loses her memories. Riley decides that here and now. Such a special relationship, someone who made this empty little girl happy—she doesn't want to see that ever go away.

...But, there's something else to address here. ]

I wasn't.
At least, mostly.

There was another girl. Her name's Cairo. She's my best friend, since we were kids. I didn't have anyone before her and I didn't think I'd have anyone if she wasn't by my side.

It was complicated with the other girls on my team. We were friends, sort of, but I could never really build the community I'd been trying to.
In the end, that was my own fault.

She's here now, though. Even after everything I did, she still wants to be with me.

[Cairo. That's the capital of Egypt, she muses before she can stop herself, because Egypt has become important to her. That's where she has to get Atem back to so that he can rest properly and have his name said, his mouth open so he can eat. She promised.

But this isn't Atem that she's talking to -- it's Riley. Someone she helped for reasons that made even less sense than for some random dying boy, but who was kind to her in return. She didn't regret it most of the time.]

She hasn't given up on you, either.

Does she accept you? The person you are...

Yes? I think so.
Like she doesn't want me to kill any more of our friends.
I don't want to do that either so
it works out.

I was kind of horrible to her. I don't remember some of it, but I'm more than a little surprised she's still on my side from what she told me.

Then I'm happy for you.

[In a more abstract way than most people mean it, she thinks, because there's still more of a disconnect to her feelings when it comes to others. Part of it, too, is knowing that if she didn't have Zack, she'd be so jealous of Riley, so she must be happy for her, right?]

I wouldn't worry too much. What's important is that she's there. That sort of thing can bring you closer, too. I tried to kill Zack once, and look at us now.

Well I can't really look at him, but I'll take your word for it.
I won't deny this all has made us talk more than we had been, but I can't help but wish it'd been without all the murder...

That's on me, though.

Wow. Rub it in.

[Has Rachel ever really joked with Riley before... Talking about Zack brings out some of that playfulness more easily.]

The way I see it, it would be impossible for things to happen the way they did if the "bad" hadn't happened, too. But since it was always hard for me to regret that sort of thing, maybe it's not my place to say.

I didn't mean anything by it! If he shows up here one day, maybe you could introduce me. :)

[ It's almost like she's just...joking around with another teenager. Riley doesn't do that often, didn't even before here.

...But— ]

I'd still rather none of the bad things happened.
The people I hurt and the girls I killed didn't deserve what I did to them. If there was a way to fix my mistake, I'd take it.

[Ahaha...ha...]

Sure. I'd say things are complicated, but...Zack himself is pretty simple actually.

If that's how you feel, I think that's something that shows you're able to become a better person.

[ ... ]

I've been trying to at least.
But I don't know if I've really made any progress.
It's hard to really know.

Right. I couldn't tell you either. I do think it's something that matters, though...unless your reason for wanting to change is only to appease others and not because you really regret it.

I mean, I do regret it. I know it was wrong.
But I want to change for the people around me too. I don't want to hurt them or put them in danger. They deserve a better version of me.

I don't think that counts as appeasing. I think what you're doing is what you're supposed to do and feel.

You've mentioned that before. What you're supposed to feel or think.
It's because you don't feel that, isn't it?

I don't. I tried to, and when I couldn't, I tried to keep it secret so I could still seem...worthy? But I know that's not who I am.

Can you tell me what you do feel?
You want to understand what normal people think. I want to understand you.

[ Maybe then she can understand why this girl would look at Aunamee and continue to choose him as a father. Understand if...it's something where she doesn't think she deserves any better. ]

...

I didn't know that what I did was so wrong. I just wanted them to listen and be happy. But then after they were taken away and I was brought to that place by the doctor, I found a book on my floor. It told me someone like me was tainted and could never be desired by God.

We were happier when they were mine. I didn't regret what I had done, I was just really scared... I tried so hard to make things perfect. What I wanted went against God and I couldn't stand the thought of burning in Hell knowing I wouldn't be wanted in life or death.

[ Okay. Okay, this is all a lot. She's going to take it one step at a time. ]

The people you killed.
Were they your parents?

[ Didn't listen to her. Tried to be perfect. Knowing she wasn't wanted... It connects a few dots she was already drawing dotted lines between. ]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 * CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY>** Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!

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< r.gardner > religion talk, talking around murder and other crimes

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