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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 * CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY>** Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!

main: CheeryCherry
anonymous: panthera, aed
retired: gflynn (anon)

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[ She remembers trying to explain to Steve. How she couldn't find another way. ]

I understand

I don't understand exactly. But I understand.
That's how I felt too.

There was no other way. Even if logically, there was. There were a lot of other things I could've done.
But I wanted everything to be perfect, and that was the only way I could see to do that.

...But it didn't work for you. You couldn't make your own "perfect community" that way.

Sorry, Miss Riley. It didn't always work for me either. It's a lonely feeling.

Yeah.
I couldn't.
I thought I could, for awhile, or at least I tried to force it to. Apparently when it doesn't work I go completely crazy.

I know now it wouldn't have helped. I didn't really want those girls dead. I mean, they hadn't done anything wrong to me.

I understand that, too...

[Hoo boy, does she understand. End of B2 and B1 sure were...something. There's more she wants to say on that, along with other mistakes and failed attempts, but she's having a hard time putting it into words.

It was strange. So often these days she found herself in situations like the one just minutes ago where she'd go over her story and thoughts for people that had the wrong idea about her. Now...there was someone who understood even if she didn't always understand. Not someone like Aunamee or Zack, who felt a thrill during the killing part, but someone like her, who fell in love with the results before getting to step two and needed more than anything to make that happen. Someone who would break because she couldn't fix.

Not everything was the same -- far from it. But explaining more without prompting didn't feel...as necessary. Would Riley think that's comforting or absolutely hate it?]

I wonder if that's something normal people realize. How hard wanting something can be... How it can make you get in your own way.

[ There's no reason for Rachel to lie to her. No underlying motive she could have. So far, she's done so much for Riley that she needn't. Rachel's said too many uncomfortable things to be exaggerating this.

They both understand each other. It's amazing. It's something Riley thought she'd never achieve. ]

When you are your own worst enemy? Causing your own grief and eliminating all the things you could've done differently?

I still don't think you did the wrong thing with your parents. I don't know about all of it. But I know you deserved them to be better parents to you.

Oh. Don't worry, Miss Riley, I don't regret what happened to my parents. That was the best they were in a long time. I barely remember a time when they weren't fighting.

My puppy was an accident. I still don't really regret it...but I do feel bad about it sometimes. I wanted to take care of it, but it didn't really work out...

[ She winces thinking about Rachel's parents. Yeah. That's...something else they have in common. Except somehow, her brother was the magical glue that kept them from snapping at each other. Riley just wasn't good enough.

Something from before catches up to her. ]

Your puppy?
Was it like the bird in the cage?

[Right... Her bird. Riley had met her bird the same day she'd met Rachel. It was gone now -- it and the cage -- sacrificed to the vortex in the same dive she took down into it.]

It was similar... My puppy was the first thing I made "mine". I was going to ask Mom and Dad if I could bring it home, but I wasn't able to make them listen to me.

[ The offer to sew Steve up comes to her mind. At the time, she found it creepy. Now, however... Okay, yes, it's pretty creepy. But for Rachel, it's a way to try and fix things she has no control over. To...cope. ]

You didn't want to just bring it home without asking. Were you worried about what they would do?

[Helping Steve would have been nice... It was heartbreaking to be told there wasn't anything that could be done for him.]

No. I already knew they would be angry. That's why I was trying to ask.

You knew they'd get mad but you tried to ask anyway?

[ She sounds...so lonely. ]

It needed help. And I wanted it. What else could I have done?

[ ... ]

I told you before a little about a cat I wanted as a kid. The one I named my cat here after.
He was stuck in a tree and it was raining, and no one was helping him even though he was crying so loud.
I taught myself how to climb all the way up and got him down. I brought him home.

My parents had him taken away. I don't know what happened to him. They were just mad I made a scene.

I don't know what else you could've done, Rachel. I really wish I did.

Oh no...

[That doesn't feel like enough to express the sinking in her heart, but...oh. Oh no. If it was anything like when the police came and took her parents' bodies away, then... Poor Riley. Poor little kitty.]

After it trusted you and everything, too. That's awful.

Were your parents no good?

[ It's not a nice story. But it's the only way she can express just how much she understands. ]

Really no good.
They only cared about what I could accomplish.
When it turned out that was nothing, they stopped pretending to love me.

Everything I did was to try and convince them I was good enough. I was too afraid to accept nothing could've worked.

[ Rachel asked her, what is she afraid of? And, though she dodged and deflected, still... Riley answers. ]

[Riley was someone that couldn't accomplish anything...? There's a small part of her that's elated to read that, one that's ready to report back to Aunamee because if that was true, then there really was no reason to bother with her, even if she did understand their feelings. But that little part is swept aside by her better judgment and the thought that the same has been said before about herself -- all she did was stand around and creepily stare, only good at making her family miserable.]

That's how I felt about God. It was scary.

Did you kill them, too?

No.

Now I wish more than anything they’d been the people I killed. The ones who deserved it.

Maybe you can someday. I went back to that place for a while before this time, so it isn't impossible.

Otherwise...this place likes to show fake version of people sometimes. I've seen my parents here before even if they weren't real. It might not be the same, but it's better than nothing, isn't it?

If I go back there, there's not anything waiting for me, Rachel. There's only one way the rest of it can go.

[ She breathes out, slowly. That way has to be prison. ...She'd prefer it be prison, rather than the other logical conclusion, from what Cairo told her. If she had to live with hurting her... Killing her— ]

I do know about the false versions of other people. I've seen it a few times before but
I don't know. I just wish I'd done that instead, you know?
Maybe I could've actually been friends with the girls I killed.

Oh. I didn't know you were dead, too.

[If there's only one way for it to go, with nothing else waiting, then that's how it is, isn't it?]

I think it's worth trying if they ever come here. Right?

What?
No I'm not

Rachel, you're dead?

Ah

I forget who knows and who doesn’t. Don’t feel bad for me, Miss Riley! It’s really something I’m fine with. I did everything I wanted to in that place.

But that's horrible!
You're only a teenager, you shouldn't be dead!!

[...squints at this reply and tries very hard not to judge Riley too much...]

There isn't a place for someone like me in that world. The closest was where I met Zack, and we left it together. If I didn't die, I probably would have spent my life alone in a facility taking medicine that wouldn't cure me and thinking about killing myself.

[ please judge her rachel. please. ]

Someone should've tried to make a place for you there
A real one, somewhere you could feel safe.

It's not fair that death was your only option.

RYSLIG; ic inbox

<CheeryCherry>

< r.gardner >

<CheeryCherry> cw: internalized ableism

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<CheeryCherry> cw animal death

< r.gardner > animal death, self-sacrifice

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<CheeryCherry> cw implied animal cruelty

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< r.gardner > you ever go to write warnings but instead end up sighing, medical and suicide stuff ig

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<CheeryCherry> cw we are just gonna be talking about suicide for awhile now

< r.gardner > ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ray staple

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