isawallflower: (when i realized)
𝓡𝓲𝓵𝓮𝔂 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 ([personal profile] isawallflower) wrote2020-11-01 10:20 pm
Entry tags:

RYSLIG; ic inbox

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY.

FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17

*** CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17
<CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley!
<CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message!
<CHEERYCHERRY> Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!


main: CheeryCherry
anonymous: panthera, aed
retired: gflynn (anon)
sweartoyou: (228)

< r.gardner >

[personal profile] sweartoyou 2021-10-25 01:52 pm (UTC)(link)
Right. I couldn't tell you either. I do think it's something that matters, though...unless your reason for wanting to change is only to appease others and not because you really regret it.
sweartoyou: (1184)

< r.gardner >

[personal profile] sweartoyou 2021-10-26 12:54 am (UTC)(link)
I don't think that counts as appeasing. I think what you're doing is what you're supposed to do and feel.
sweartoyou: (538)

< r.gardner >

[personal profile] sweartoyou 2021-10-26 03:55 am (UTC)(link)
I don't. I tried to, and when I couldn't, I tried to keep it secret so I could still seem...worthy? But I know that's not who I am.
sweartoyou: (16)

< r.gardner > religion talk, talking around murder and other crimes

[personal profile] sweartoyou 2021-10-26 04:50 am (UTC)(link)
...

I didn't know that what I did was so wrong. I just wanted them to listen and be happy. But then after they were taken away and I was brought to that place by the doctor, I found a book on my floor. It told me someone like me was tainted and could never be desired by God.

We were happier when they were mine. I didn't regret what I had done, I was just really scared... I tried so hard to make things perfect. What I wanted went against God and I couldn't stand the thought of burning in Hell knowing I wouldn't be wanted in life or death.
sweartoyou: (408)

< r.gardner >

[personal profile] sweartoyou 2021-10-26 11:05 pm (UTC)(link)
[now that's a complicated one, though...technically most were killed by traps or Zack, in the building. She just helped. A lot.]

Only my dad. Mom had been killed already by him.
sweartoyou: (330)

< r.gardner >

[personal profile] sweartoyou 2021-10-27 06:17 am (UTC)(link)
Yes. He was going to, so I ran to get my puppy from my room. Mom's gun was hidden in a drawer on the way, so I grabbed it. She said it was her trump card.
sweartoyou: (420)

< r.gardner > ableism domestic abuse and corpse desecration yeahhhh!!

[personal profile] sweartoyou 2021-10-27 01:25 pm (UTC)(link)
Miss Riley... It wasn't self defense.

It was. He would have killed me if I didn't kill him first. Even if I hadn't witnessed the murder, he probably would have killed me. But that isn't really why I killed him.

I just wanted to. He wasn't being the dad I wanted him to be. No one was happy in that house anymore. I think I could have lasted longer with just my puppy, if none of it had happened...but the way things were, making them better was always on my mind. I wanted to turn them into my ideal family, one that listened to and loved each other.

So when they were dead, I took their bodies and stitched them together. They would hold hands and smile, and the arm I ruined on Dad was replaced with the soft one I told you about. There's no way "my" daddy would want to hurt anyone, but even if he did...he couldn't. We'd play with my puppy and laugh. They'd listen to me. They'd love each other and both love me. They were mine. We were so happy before the police came! How could I ever regret what I did, no matter how insane I found out it was, when I had the perfect family because of it?
sweartoyou: (228)

< r.gardner >

[personal profile] sweartoyou 2021-10-30 01:31 am (UTC)(link)
...I don't know.
Did I want to kill them to make it better, or...was killing them the only way I could do that? I didn't plan for it to happen...I think.
I don't know. There was no other way.
sweartoyou: (240)

< r.gardner >

[personal profile] sweartoyou 2021-10-31 04:33 pm (UTC)(link)
...But it didn't work for you. You couldn't make your own "perfect community" that way.

Sorry, Miss Riley. It didn't always work for me either. It's a lonely feeling.
sweartoyou: (20)

< r.gardner >

[personal profile] sweartoyou 2021-11-01 03:13 am (UTC)(link)
I understand that, too...

[Hoo boy, does she understand. End of B2 and B1 sure were...something. There's more she wants to say on that, along with other mistakes and failed attempts, but she's having a hard time putting it into words.

It was strange. So often these days she found herself in situations like the one just minutes ago where she'd go over her story and thoughts for people that had the wrong idea about her. Now...there was someone who understood even if she didn't always understand. Not someone like Aunamee or Zack, who felt a thrill during the killing part, but someone like her, who fell in love with the results before getting to step two and needed more than anything to make that happen. Someone who would break because she couldn't fix.

Not everything was the same -- far from it. But explaining more without prompting didn't feel...as necessary. Would Riley think that's comforting or absolutely hate it?]


I wonder if that's something normal people realize. How hard wanting something can be... How it can make you get in your own way.
sweartoyou: (406)

< r.gardner >

[personal profile] sweartoyou 2021-11-01 09:15 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh. Don't worry, Miss Riley, I don't regret what happened to my parents. That was the best they were in a long time. I barely remember a time when they weren't fighting.

My puppy was an accident. I still don't really regret it...but I do feel bad about it sometimes. I wanted to take care of it, but it didn't really work out...
sweartoyou: (248)

< r.gardner > animal death, self-sacrifice

[personal profile] sweartoyou 2021-11-02 02:09 am (UTC)(link)
[Right... Her bird. Riley had met her bird the same day she'd met Rachel. It was gone now -- it and the cage -- sacrificed to the vortex in the same dive she took down into it.]

It was similar... My puppy was the first thing I made "mine". I was going to ask Mom and Dad if I could bring it home, but I wasn't able to make them listen to me.
sweartoyou: (1184)

< r.gardner >

[personal profile] sweartoyou 2021-11-02 03:50 am (UTC)(link)
[Helping Steve would have been nice... It was heartbreaking to be told there wasn't anything that could be done for him.]

No. I already knew they would be angry. That's why I was trying to ask.

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