isawallflower | RYSLIG; ic inbox

Right. I couldn't tell you either. I do think it's something that matters, though...unless your reason for wanting to change is only to appease others and not because you really regret it.

I mean, I do regret it. I know it was wrong.
But I want to change for the people around me too. I don't want to hurt them or put them in danger. They deserve a better version of me.

I don't think that counts as appeasing. I think what you're doing is what you're supposed to do and feel.

You've mentioned that before. What you're supposed to feel or think.
It's because you don't feel that, isn't it?

I don't. I tried to, and when I couldn't, I tried to keep it secret so I could still seem...worthy? But I know that's not who I am.

Can you tell me what you do feel?
You want to understand what normal people think. I want to understand you.

[ Maybe then she can understand why this girl would look at Aunamee and continue to choose him as a father. Understand if...it's something where she doesn't think she deserves any better. ]

...

I didn't know that what I did was so wrong. I just wanted them to listen and be happy. But then after they were taken away and I was brought to that place by the doctor, I found a book on my floor. It told me someone like me was tainted and could never be desired by God.

We were happier when they were mine. I didn't regret what I had done, I was just really scared... I tried so hard to make things perfect. What I wanted went against God and I couldn't stand the thought of burning in Hell knowing I wouldn't be wanted in life or death.

[ Okay. Okay, this is all a lot. She's going to take it one step at a time. ]

The people you killed.
Were they your parents?

[ Didn't listen to her. Tried to be perfect. Knowing she wasn't wanted... It connects a few dots she was already drawing dotted lines between. ]

[now that's a complicated one, though...technically most were killed by traps or Zack, in the building. She just helped. A lot.]

Only my dad. Mom had been killed already by him.

[ She shivers. If she saw one of her parents kill the other, what would she have...? ]

Was he trying to kill you too?

Yes. He was going to, so I ran to get my puppy from my room. Mom's gun was hidden in a drawer on the way, so I grabbed it. She said it was her trump card.

[ Riley doesn't respond immediately. What...do you say to all this? ]

You didn't do the wrong thing, Rachel.
Your father did.
It sounds like both your parents did.

[ Oh. You say that. ]

Miss Riley... It wasn't self defense.

It was. He would have killed me if I didn't kill him first. Even if I hadn't witnessed the murder, he probably would have killed me. But that isn't really why I killed him.

I just wanted to. He wasn't being the dad I wanted him to be. No one was happy in that house anymore. I think I could have lasted longer with just my puppy, if none of it had happened...but the way things were, making them better was always on my mind. I wanted to turn them into my ideal family, one that listened to and loved each other.

So when they were dead, I took their bodies and stitched them together. They would hold hands and smile, and the arm I ruined on Dad was replaced with the soft one I told you about. There's no way "my" daddy would want to hurt anyone, but even if he did...he couldn't. We'd play with my puppy and laugh. They'd listen to me. They'd love each other and both love me. They were mine. We were so happy before the police came! How could I ever regret what I did, no matter how insane I found out it was, when I had the perfect family because of it?

[ Oh.

Oh, that's all—

Riley reads this over. She rereads it. She's horrified, and yet— ]

You were already thinking about killing them to make it better?

...I don't know.
Did I want to kill them to make it better, or...was killing them the only way I could do that? I didn't plan for it to happen...I think.
I don't know. There was no other way.

[ She remembers trying to explain to Steve. How she couldn't find another way. ]

I understand

I don't understand exactly. But I understand.
That's how I felt too.

There was no other way. Even if logically, there was. There were a lot of other things I could've done.
But I wanted everything to be perfect, and that was the only way I could see to do that.

...But it didn't work for you. You couldn't make your own "perfect community" that way.

Sorry, Miss Riley. It didn't always work for me either. It's a lonely feeling.

Yeah.
I couldn't.
I thought I could, for awhile, or at least I tried to force it to. Apparently when it doesn't work I go completely crazy.

I know now it wouldn't have helped. I didn't really want those girls dead. I mean, they hadn't done anything wrong to me.

I understand that, too...

[Hoo boy, does she understand. End of B2 and B1 sure were...something. There's more she wants to say on that, along with other mistakes and failed attempts, but she's having a hard time putting it into words.

It was strange. So often these days she found herself in situations like the one just minutes ago where she'd go over her story and thoughts for people that had the wrong idea about her. Now...there was someone who understood even if she didn't always understand. Not someone like Aunamee or Zack, who felt a thrill during the killing part, but someone like her, who fell in love with the results before getting to step two and needed more than anything to make that happen. Someone who would break because she couldn't fix.

Not everything was the same -- far from it. But explaining more without prompting didn't feel...as necessary. Would Riley think that's comforting or absolutely hate it?]

I wonder if that's something normal people realize. How hard wanting something can be... How it can make you get in your own way.

[ There's no reason for Rachel to lie to her. No underlying motive she could have. So far, she's done so much for Riley that she needn't. Rachel's said too many uncomfortable things to be exaggerating this.

They both understand each other. It's amazing. It's something Riley thought she'd never achieve. ]

When you are your own worst enemy? Causing your own grief and eliminating all the things you could've done differently?

I still don't think you did the wrong thing with your parents. I don't know about all of it. But I know you deserved them to be better parents to you.

Oh. Don't worry, Miss Riley, I don't regret what happened to my parents. That was the best they were in a long time. I barely remember a time when they weren't fighting.

My puppy was an accident. I still don't really regret it...but I do feel bad about it sometimes. I wanted to take care of it, but it didn't really work out...

[ She winces thinking about Rachel's parents. Yeah. That's...something else they have in common. Except somehow, her brother was the magical glue that kept them from snapping at each other. Riley just wasn't good enough.

Something from before catches up to her. ]

Your puppy?
Was it like the bird in the cage?

[Right... Her bird. Riley had met her bird the same day she'd met Rachel. It was gone now -- it and the cage -- sacrificed to the vortex in the same dive she took down into it.]

It was similar... My puppy was the first thing I made "mine". I was going to ask Mom and Dad if I could bring it home, but I wasn't able to make them listen to me.

[ The offer to sew Steve up comes to her mind. At the time, she found it creepy. Now, however... Okay, yes, it's pretty creepy. But for Rachel, it's a way to try and fix things she has no control over. To...cope. ]

You didn't want to just bring it home without asking. Were you worried about what they would do?

[Helping Steve would have been nice... It was heartbreaking to be told there wasn't anything that could be done for him.]

No. I already knew they would be angry. That's why I was trying to ask.

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 * CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY>** Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!

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< r.gardner > religion talk, talking around murder and other crimes

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< r.gardner > ableism domestic abuse and corpse desecration yeahhhh!!

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<CheeryCherry> cw: internalized ableism

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<CheeryCherry> cw animal death

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