isawallflower: (when i realized)
๐“ก๐“ฒ๐“ต๐“ฎ๐”‚ ๐“ฆ๐“ฒ๐“ต๐“ต๐“ฒ๐“ช๐“ถ๐“ผ ([personal profile] isawallflower) wrote2020-11-01 10:20 pm
Entry tags:

RYSLIG; ic inbox

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY.

FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17

*** CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17
<CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley!
<CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message!
<CHEERYCHERRY> Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!


main: CheeryCherry
anonymous: panthera, aed
retired: gflynn (anon)
digiorno: (โ™› i am sharper than a switchblade)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-05 01:41 am (UTC)(link)
[He exhales sharply.]

[He doesn't believe it. But he'll make himself believe it, when he has to.]


thank you

i'm tired
digiorno: art by <user name="mup-nim" site="twitter.com">; icon by me (โ™› we're wild & weary)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-05 02:53 am (UTC)(link)
i don't really want anyone around right now. but if i do i'll ask.

it

you know when it feels like you've ruined everything? even the things you couldn't possibly control?
digiorno: icon by me! art credit? (โ™› sometimes i feel)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-05 08:04 am (UTC)(link)
but i'm supposed to be the one who takes care of him.

[. . . Now.]

[Riley has a lot of issues. But one of them is not stupidity. It's very conceivable that she's noticing a pattern here.]


people never think that, looking at us. they assume things. but it's my job to keep him safe. some people are too good, you know? they need protecting. i'm supposed to be the one who's willing to do what needs to be done to make sure they get to stay that way.
digiorno: <user name="interplanet"> (โ™› or make up our own rules)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-06 03:07 am (UTC)(link)
who's going to do it, then?

i might get fired from the clinic soon. i probably will be.


[Is that related?]

[Absolutely.]
digiorno: (โ™› & i hope you find)

cw allusion to suicidal ideation

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-06 08:53 pm (UTC)(link)
please don't do that.

[Riley you absolute fucking lunatic.]

it's dr. pierce, but it's not his fault. someone i know from back home

[God. He really . . . wants to get into it, but doesn't at all. It's so exhausting.]

something about my past came up that he needs to look into, to ensure i'm suitable to stay on. i don't blame him for it. i blame the person who brought it up, because they were selectively truthful. still, i think it will end up the same. there's a reason i don't tell people these things.

i talked to him and he said he needed to make sure that the people who come to the clinic are safe, and that what he learned made him unsure about that. but what i did was to protect mista — and trish. even though she doesn't want protecting, so don't tell her i said that. what i mean is i don't know any other way to take care of people except violence and fixing, and soon i won't be able to fix like that anymore. i won't be allowed back. and after everything i don't know what else i can do.

if i could just turn it off and stop caring it would help, but i can't. and i can't sleep. and my room is full of things mista got for me so i go to sleep in the garden but it reminds me of steve. and trish doesn't want anything to do with me. and you're hurting as much as i am. i shouldn't even be telling you any of this.

i just don't know what there is left that i can do. i don't want to be this helpless. i thought i left that behind a long time ago, but it's still right here with me. i didn't kill him as well as i thought i had, i suppose.
Edited 2021-09-06 20:53 (UTC)
digiorno: art by <user name="mup-nim" site="twitter.com">; icon by me (โ™› we're wild & weary)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-13 08:18 am (UTC)(link)
that's kind of you to say.

[He doesn't know if it would help, and he wouldn't want to put more on her. But he believes that she'd help him. He believes her.]

[She says he can tell her anything, and that's true too. He could tell her what he did that might get him fired, and she'd probably understand. He could tell her about Steve or Trish or Mista or the nightmares. He could tell her anything. He wants to. But after holding so many secrets he doesn't know which one to unburden right now. The balance is so precarious. The wrong choice could send him spiraling.]


i was really happy at the beginning of july, you know. i felt all right. even with so much happening and so much uncertain. everything's fallen apart so quickly. i wish i was stronger. i used to be able to pretend better than this.

is it a good thing that i don't pretend as much anymore? i thought it was. normal people don't hide all the time.
digiorno: icon by me; art by <user name="millionfish" site="tumblr.com"> (โ™› to make ends meet)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-14 05:40 am (UTC)(link)
[He still believes that. About Cairo. He does. But what he knows of Cairo he learned from Riley, who learned it through years of friendship. He doesn't have years of friendship with anyone. The person who knows him best, frankly, is Riley.]

[So why has he been trying so hard with anyone else?]


i love you, you know. i love you anyway, but you're the only person i know who understands this. so i love you for not hiding it from me. i don't think i'd know what to do otherwise.

[. . .]

[What are the words she said? He tries to remember the words.]


what do i do if someone's scared of me?
if someone tells me all of it is too much. that seeing me fall apart is frightening, and the way i used to be felt safer.
but the way i used to be wasn't real. not entirely. not even mostly. so what do i do?
digiorno: (โ™› i don't owe you a single thing)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-14 07:15 am (UTC)(link)
yes. it makes sense. at least i think so

it's just

i don't know. it's more difficult than i expected to be both honest and dishonest at the same time. it's a skill i should have mastered, but i don't, and that worries me.

and i'm sad. i wasn't expecting it. not in this case.

i'm just sad
digiorno: (โ™› & i hope you find)

cw emeto, panic attack

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-14 06:09 pm (UTC)(link)
[It takes him a long time to respond to this. Because, for a while, he just breaks. This is his limit, somehow. For whatever reason, this specific thing is too much. So for a little while, he can't respond, because he's hyperventilating so hard he almost throws up.]

[When he does respond, it's about half an hour later.]


he told me. back in july

i can't do that riley
i can't do the thing that you do together
that's not for me
digiorno: icon by me! art credit? (โ™› wearing fancy things)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-14 06:45 pm (UTC)(link)
i know

i know, you didn't do anything wrong i just


it's already been so long i'm scared if i do something wrong he won't come back
digiorno: <user name="peaked"> | dnt (โ™› punished by me)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-15 05:43 am (UTC)(link)
i know that. that's true. that's what atem said too and i know it's true

i just can't


[—tell her. He can't tell her. Because if he tells her then even though she wasn't there it'll be in her head too, dreams of cold flesh blind eyes no pulse. That was his fault. His fault. Didn't get there in time, his fault, if he'd just gone sooner, if he'd checked in earlier, if if if if if—]

explain it

it's like superstition. like did you know four is bad luck? it's like that
so
so maybe we can do something else
digiorno: <user name="peaked"> | dnt (โ™› through the wrist)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-15 06:17 am (UTC)(link)
pizza?

i don't know how to make it but i can bring some
cairo likes pizza so i can bring two
or crusts
the premade ones
digiorno: icon by me! art credit? (โ™› you're moments ago)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-15 06:47 am (UTC)(link)
thanks
i have a reputation to maintain


[ah a joke]

i'll teach you all the pizza rules and then we can break them together