isawallflower | RYSLIG; ic inbox

[He exhales sharply.]

[He doesn't believe it. But he'll make himself believe it, when he has to.]

thank you

i'm tired

[ She knows he doesn't believe it. She doesn't believe it. She talked with Maya, there was nothing. But still, she'll say it as many times as he needs. ]

If you need anything, just say the word, okay? I'll be there.

i don't really want anyone around right now. but if i do i'll ask.

it

you know when it feels like you've ruined everything? even the things you couldn't possibly control?

Yes.

I know exactly how that feels.

But you didn't do this, Giorno. You didn't ruin anything.

but i'm supposed to be the one who takes care of him.

[. . . Now.]

[Riley has a lot of issues. But one of them is not stupidity. It's very conceivable that she's noticing a pattern here.]

people never think that, looking at us. they assume things. but it's my job to keep him safe. some people are too good, you know? they need protecting. i'm supposed to be the one who's willing to do what needs to be done to make sure they get to stay that way.

[ It's a pattern, and it's something she recognizes, as well. It's something she has pretty intimate knowledge of, in some ways. ]

You shouldn't have to do all that alone. You shouldn't have to do all that at all, but definitely not alone.

who's going to do it, then?

i might get fired from the clinic soon. i probably will be.

[Is that related?]

[Absolutely.]

What? No, you love working there.

[ She's unsure how this is related but it has to be related. And, more than that, if Giorno doesn't have something to do with his time... ]

Who's firing you? I'll complain. I'll put in a good word. I'll break my arm or something and you can demonstrate how good your are at your job.

please don't do that.

[Riley you absolute fucking lunatic.]

it's dr. pierce, but it's not his fault. someone i know from back home

[God. He really . . . wants to get into it, but doesn't at all. It's so exhausting.]

something about my past came up that he needs to look into, to ensure i'm suitable to stay on. i don't blame him for it. i blame the person who brought it up, because they were selectively truthful. still, i think it will end up the same. there's a reason i don't tell people these things.

i talked to him and he said he needed to make sure that the people who come to the clinic are safe, and that what he learned made him unsure about that. but what i did was to protect mista — and trish. even though she doesn't want protecting, so don't tell her i said that. what i mean is i don't know any other way to take care of people except violence and fixing, and soon i won't be able to fix like that anymore. i won't be allowed back. and after everything i don't know what else i can do.

if i could just turn it off and stop caring it would help, but i can't. and i can't sleep. and my room is full of things mista got for me so i go to sleep in the garden but it reminds me of steve. and trish doesn't want anything to do with me. and you're hurting as much as i am. i shouldn't even be telling you any of this.

i just don't know what there is left that i can do. i don't want to be this helpless. i thought i left that behind a long time ago, but it's still right here with me. i didn't kill him as well as i thought i had, i suppose.

Edited 2021-09-06 20:53 (UTC)

[ Riley's first instinct is to ask to break someone else's arm, but Giorno keeps typing and that's...probably for the best. Don't break someone's arm.

A thousand ideas come to mind, before he's even done. Dr. Pierce has to understand, but he doesn't, because adults never do, they never really get what you have to do to survive. I'll make him understand, but he didn't like that and really Riley doubts her ability to make anyone understand anything. Come stay with me, she almost types, because she's worried about him, she's scared—but she doesn't have a spare bedroom anymore. Why is Trish pushing you away? But that's— it feels almost invasive, she remembers they argued, didn't they—

There's one thing she knows...she can say. ]

Don't you ever think you can't tell me something.
You're my family, remember? What family's supposed to be. Even if I can't fix it, please talk to me.

If that clinic won't let you back, then screw them. I'll help you make your own clinic. Bavan's a big city. Who says there has to just be one place for monsters in need?

that's kind of you to say.

[He doesn't know if it would help, and he wouldn't want to put more on her. But he believes that she'd help him. He believes her.]

[She says he can tell her anything, and that's true too. He could tell her what he did that might get him fired, and she'd probably understand. He could tell her about Steve or Trish or Mista or the nightmares. He could tell her anything. He wants to. But after holding so many secrets he doesn't know which one to unburden right now. The balance is so precarious. The wrong choice could send him spiraling.]

i was really happy at the beginning of july, you know. i felt all right. even with so much happening and so much uncertain. everything's fallen apart so quickly. i wish i was stronger. i used to be able to pretend better than this.

is it a good thing that i don't pretend as much anymore? i thought it was. normal people don't hide all the time.

[ It feels like a stab in the heart. It... ]

I don't know. It should be. Everyone keeps telling me it's good to be honest and open up about when something's bothering me.
That's what Cai said I should've done back home. She said she would've helped me.

[ But... ]

But if I am being honest... I don't know.
Whenever I DO talk to others, it's still really scary. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. It feels like I'm doing something wrong right now. I've been trying to cover everything up for so long that it feels like if I keep being honest, it's gonna kill me or something. I keep remembering all the people who told or showed me otherwise and I can't shake it.

So I want to say it's good. I really, really do. Because it does feel good sometimes!! But it feels wrong if I tell you that when it's something that makes me feel like I'm gonna get hurt.
You know?

[He still believes that. About Cairo. He does. But what he knows of Cairo he learned from Riley, who learned it through years of friendship. He doesn't have years of friendship with anyone. The person who knows him best, frankly, is Riley.]

[So why has he been trying so hard with anyone else?]

i love you, you know. i love you anyway, but you're the only person i know who understands this. so i love you for not hiding it from me. i don't think i'd know what to do otherwise.

[. . .]

[What are the words she said? He tries to remember the words.]

what do i do if someone's scared of me?
if someone tells me all of it is too much. that seeing me fall apart is frightening, and the way i used to be felt safer.
but the way i used to be wasn't real. not entirely. not even mostly. so what do i do?

[ It's quite bad of her that she smiles just a little at i love you. She knows. After— after everything, she knows, she actually does, but it's nice to see. It's nice to see and not second-guess and worry, because it's Giorno. He's Giorno. He loves her. She loves him too.

That's why it also hurts. ]

I guess if someone can't handle it, then they don't get to see that side of you.
Is that bad? I know you don't want to pretend. But in this case, I don't think it's pretending. You're trying to help yourself. You falling apart shouldn't be scary.

I mean it IS scary but because I care about you and want to help you not scary like I don't feel safe around you

Am I making sense?

yes. it makes sense. at least i think so

it's just

i don't know. it's more difficult than i expected to be both honest and dishonest at the same time. it's a skill i should have mastered, but i don't, and that worries me.

and i'm sad. i wasn't expecting it. not in this case.

i'm just sad

[ ... ]

I know you said you didn't want to see anyone, so it's fine if the answer's no. But I still want to ask.

Do you want to come over? I have some pasta I can cook and it probably won't be that good honestly? But it's something I usually do with Steve when one of us is feeling down so

I don't know.

It just feels like I should ask.

[It takes him a long time to respond to this. Because, for a while, he just breaks. This is his limit, somehow. For whatever reason, this specific thing is too much. So for a little while, he can't respond, because he's hyperventilating so hard he almost throws up.]

[When he does respond, it's about half an hour later.]

he told me. back in july

i can't do that riley
i can't do the thing that you do together
that's not for me

[ Oh no. When the response doesn't come immediately, she knows...something's wrong. At first she's relieved to see something, but—

Oh, she messed up, didn't she? ]

I'm sorry

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overstep, I just thought

you're family too
I don't know how else to comfort family

i know

i know, you didn't do anything wrong i just

it's already been so long i'm scared if i do something wrong he won't come back

he'll come back

they always come back
he has to come back

i know that. that's true. that's what atem said too and i know it's true

i just can't

[—tell her. He can't tell her. Because if he tells her then even though she wasn't there it'll be in her head too, dreams of cold flesh blind eyes no pulse. That was his fault. His fault. Didn't get there in time, his fault, if he'd just gone sooner, if he'd checked in earlier, if if if if if—]

explain it

it's like superstition. like did you know four is bad luck? it's like that
so
so maybe we can do something else

okay
okay, we'll do something different
we'll make a different food
what do you want?
anything.

pizza?

i don't know how to make it but i can bring some
cairo likes pizza so i can bring two
or crusts
the premade ones

[ ...A small, teary smile. ]

i won't tell anyone the crusts are premade.
we can learn how to make it together, okay?
i can go out for toppings. i'll get everything.

thanks
i have a reputation to maintain

[ah a joke]

i'll teach you all the pizza rules and then we can break them together

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 * CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY>** Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!