RYSLIG; ic inbox

[isawallflower]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 *** CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!

main: CheeryCherry
anonymous: panthera, aed
retired: gflynn (anon)

Comments

[isawallflower]

[ Riley's first instinct is to ask to break someone else's arm, but Giorno keeps typing and that's...probably for the best. Don't break someone's arm.

A thousand ideas come to mind, before he's even done. Dr. Pierce has to understand, but he doesn't, because adults never do, they never really get what you have to do to survive. I'll make him understand, but he didn't like that and really Riley doubts her ability to make anyone understand anything. Come stay with me, she almost types, because she's worried about him, she's scared—but she doesn't have a spare bedroom anymore. Why is Trish pushing you away? But that's— it feels almost invasive, she remembers they argued, didn't they—

There's one thing she knows...she can say. ]

Don't you ever think you can't tell me something.
You're my family, remember? What family's supposed to be. Even if I can't fix it, please talk to me.

If that clinic won't let you back, then screw them. I'll help you make your own clinic. Bavan's a big city. Who says there has to just be one place for monsters in need?

[digiorno]

that's kind of you to say.

[He doesn't know if it would help, and he wouldn't want to put more on her. But he believes that she'd help him. He believes her.]

[She says he can tell her anything, and that's true too. He could tell her what he did that might get him fired, and she'd probably understand. He could tell her about Steve or Trish or Mista or the nightmares. He could tell her anything. He wants to. But after holding so many secrets he doesn't know which one to unburden right now. The balance is so precarious. The wrong choice could send him spiraling.]

i was really happy at the beginning of july, you know. i felt all right. even with so much happening and so much uncertain. everything's fallen apart so quickly. i wish i was stronger. i used to be able to pretend better than this.

is it a good thing that i don't pretend as much anymore? i thought it was. normal people don't hide all the time.

[isawallflower]

[ It feels like a stab in the heart. It... ]

I don't know. It should be. Everyone keeps telling me it's good to be honest and open up about when something's bothering me.
That's what Cai said I should've done back home. She said she would've helped me.

[ But... ]

But if I am being honest... I don't know.
Whenever I DO talk to others, it's still really scary. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. It feels like I'm doing something wrong right now. I've been trying to cover everything up for so long that it feels like if I keep being honest, it's gonna kill me or something. I keep remembering all the people who told or showed me otherwise and I can't shake it.

So I want to say it's good. I really, really do. Because it does feel good sometimes!! But it feels wrong if I tell you that when it's something that makes me feel like I'm gonna get hurt.
You know?

[digiorno]

[He still believes that. About Cairo. He does. But what he knows of Cairo he learned from Riley, who learned it through years of friendship. He doesn't have years of friendship with anyone. The person who knows him best, frankly, is Riley.]

[So why has he been trying so hard with anyone else?]

i love you, you know. i love you anyway, but you're the only person i know who understands this. so i love you for not hiding it from me. i don't think i'd know what to do otherwise.

[. . .]

[What are the words she said? He tries to remember the words.]

what do i do if someone's scared of me?
if someone tells me all of it is too much. that seeing me fall apart is frightening, and the way i used to be felt safer.
but the way i used to be wasn't real. not entirely. not even mostly. so what do i do?

[isawallflower]

[ It's quite bad of her that she smiles just a little at i love you. She knows. After— after everything, she knows, she actually does, but it's nice to see. It's nice to see and not second-guess and worry, because it's Giorno. He's Giorno. He loves her. She loves him too.

That's why it also hurts. ]

I guess if someone can't handle it, then they don't get to see that side of you.
Is that bad? I know you don't want to pretend. But in this case, I don't think it's pretending. You're trying to help yourself. You falling apart shouldn't be scary.

I mean it IS scary but because I care about you and want to help you not scary like I don't feel safe around you

Am I making sense?

[digiorno]

yes. it makes sense. at least i think so

it's just

i don't know. it's more difficult than i expected to be both honest and dishonest at the same time. it's a skill i should have mastered, but i don't, and that worries me.

and i'm sad. i wasn't expecting it. not in this case.

i'm just sad

[isawallflower]

[ ... ]

I know you said you didn't want to see anyone, so it's fine if the answer's no. But I still want to ask.

Do you want to come over? I have some pasta I can cook and it probably won't be that good honestly? But it's something I usually do with Steve when one of us is feeling down so

I don't know.

It just feels like I should ask.

cw emeto, panic attack

[digiorno]

[It takes him a long time to respond to this. Because, for a while, he just breaks. This is his limit, somehow. For whatever reason, this specific thing is too much. So for a little while, he can't respond, because he's hyperventilating so hard he almost throws up.]

[When he does respond, it's about half an hour later.]

he told me. back in july

i can't do that riley
i can't do the thing that you do together
that's not for me

[isawallflower]

[ Oh no. When the response doesn't come immediately, she knows...something's wrong. At first she's relieved to see something, but—

Oh, she messed up, didn't she? ]

I'm sorry

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overstep, I just thought

you're family too
I don't know how else to comfort family

[digiorno]

i know

i know, you didn't do anything wrong i just


it's already been so long i'm scared if i do something wrong he won't come back

[isawallflower]

he'll come back

they always come back
he has to come back

[digiorno]

i know that. that's true. that's what atem said too and i know it's true

i just can't

[—tell her. He can't tell her. Because if he tells her then even though she wasn't there it'll be in her head too, dreams of cold flesh blind eyes no pulse. That was his fault. His fault. Didn't get there in time, his fault, if he'd just gone sooner, if he'd checked in earlier, if if if if if—]

explain it

it's like superstition. like did you know four is bad luck? it's like that
so
so maybe we can do something else

[isawallflower]

okay
okay, we'll do something different
we'll make a different food
what do you want?
anything.

[digiorno]

pizza?

i don't know how to make it but i can bring some
cairo likes pizza so i can bring two
or crusts
the premade ones

[isawallflower]

[ ...A small, teary smile. ]

i won't tell anyone the crusts are premade.
we can learn how to make it together, okay?
i can go out for toppings. i'll get everything.

[digiorno]

thanks
i have a reputation to maintain

[ah a joke]

i'll teach you all the pizza rules and then we can break them together

[isawallflower]

okay.
your rules.

i'll defer to the expert.

[ She thinks but doesn't say, when Steve gets back...they can combine the two traditions. Spaghetti and pizza. It sounds nice. ]