isawallflower: (when i realized)
๐“ก๐“ฒ๐“ต๐“ฎ๐”‚ ๐“ฆ๐“ฒ๐“ต๐“ต๐“ฒ๐“ช๐“ถ๐“ผ ([personal profile] isawallflower) wrote2020-11-01 10:20 pm
Entry tags:

RYSLIG; ic inbox

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY.

FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17

*** CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17
<CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley!
<CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message!
<CHEERYCHERRY> Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!


main: CheeryCherry
anonymous: panthera, aed
retired: gflynn (anon)
digiorno: art by <user name="mup-nim" site="twitter.com">; icon by me (โ™› we're wild & weary)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-13 08:18 am (UTC)(link)
that's kind of you to say.

[He doesn't know if it would help, and he wouldn't want to put more on her. But he believes that she'd help him. He believes her.]

[She says he can tell her anything, and that's true too. He could tell her what he did that might get him fired, and she'd probably understand. He could tell her about Steve or Trish or Mista or the nightmares. He could tell her anything. He wants to. But after holding so many secrets he doesn't know which one to unburden right now. The balance is so precarious. The wrong choice could send him spiraling.]


i was really happy at the beginning of july, you know. i felt all right. even with so much happening and so much uncertain. everything's fallen apart so quickly. i wish i was stronger. i used to be able to pretend better than this.

is it a good thing that i don't pretend as much anymore? i thought it was. normal people don't hide all the time.
digiorno: icon by me; art by <user name="millionfish" site="tumblr.com"> (โ™› to make ends meet)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-14 05:40 am (UTC)(link)
[He still believes that. About Cairo. He does. But what he knows of Cairo he learned from Riley, who learned it through years of friendship. He doesn't have years of friendship with anyone. The person who knows him best, frankly, is Riley.]

[So why has he been trying so hard with anyone else?]


i love you, you know. i love you anyway, but you're the only person i know who understands this. so i love you for not hiding it from me. i don't think i'd know what to do otherwise.

[. . .]

[What are the words she said? He tries to remember the words.]


what do i do if someone's scared of me?
if someone tells me all of it is too much. that seeing me fall apart is frightening, and the way i used to be felt safer.
but the way i used to be wasn't real. not entirely. not even mostly. so what do i do?
digiorno: (โ™› i don't owe you a single thing)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-14 07:15 am (UTC)(link)
yes. it makes sense. at least i think so

it's just

i don't know. it's more difficult than i expected to be both honest and dishonest at the same time. it's a skill i should have mastered, but i don't, and that worries me.

and i'm sad. i wasn't expecting it. not in this case.

i'm just sad
digiorno: (โ™› & i hope you find)

cw emeto, panic attack

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-14 06:09 pm (UTC)(link)
[It takes him a long time to respond to this. Because, for a while, he just breaks. This is his limit, somehow. For whatever reason, this specific thing is too much. So for a little while, he can't respond, because he's hyperventilating so hard he almost throws up.]

[When he does respond, it's about half an hour later.]


he told me. back in july

i can't do that riley
i can't do the thing that you do together
that's not for me
digiorno: icon by me! art credit? (โ™› wearing fancy things)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-14 06:45 pm (UTC)(link)
i know

i know, you didn't do anything wrong i just


it's already been so long i'm scared if i do something wrong he won't come back
digiorno: <user name="peaked"> | dnt (โ™› punished by me)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-15 05:43 am (UTC)(link)
i know that. that's true. that's what atem said too and i know it's true

i just can't


[—tell her. He can't tell her. Because if he tells her then even though she wasn't there it'll be in her head too, dreams of cold flesh blind eyes no pulse. That was his fault. His fault. Didn't get there in time, his fault, if he'd just gone sooner, if he'd checked in earlier, if if if if if—]

explain it

it's like superstition. like did you know four is bad luck? it's like that
so
so maybe we can do something else
digiorno: <user name="peaked"> | dnt (โ™› through the wrist)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-15 06:17 am (UTC)(link)
pizza?

i don't know how to make it but i can bring some
cairo likes pizza so i can bring two
or crusts
the premade ones
digiorno: icon by me! art credit? (โ™› you're moments ago)

[personal profile] digiorno 2021-09-15 06:47 am (UTC)(link)
thanks
i have a reputation to maintain


[ah a joke]

i'll teach you all the pizza rules and then we can break them together