𝓡𝓲𝓵𝓮𝔂 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 (
isawallflower) wrote2020-11-01 10:20 pm
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Entry tags:
RYSLIG; ic inbox
WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 *** CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly! | ||||
main: CheeryCherry
anonymous: panthera, aed
retired: gflynn (anon)
no subject
[ WOW, RILEY— ]
How do they find someone who steals from them charming?
[ —oh, okay. ]
That should be, like...an absolute deal breaker.
no subject
[Although he's not laughing at her anymore, the corner of his mouth does quirk up, wryly amused.]
If I want to take someone's money, they'll never know I was anywhere near them. If I take something, let myself be seen, then the other person gets to play the game, too. It's an invitation. "Step inside the circle and see how it's done." That's all. Sometimes people choose to accept that invitation, sometimes they don't.
no subject
[ The phrase you're looking for is turned on, Riley.
She actually kind of...frowns a little. Not like her judgmental lecture frown, but a genuinely unhappy one. ]
...I'm never gonna understand dating.
no subject
[Another shrug, easy and relaxed.]
I'm not claiming that I do. I don't exactly have experience with dating. Even if I did, my approach would probably not be any more traditional.
[. . . Hm. Is this something he can explain?]
I don't do things by halves. I can have fun, but I don't do . . . casual. Or small. I think people struggle with that.
no subject
[ This isn't exactly a topic Riley wants to talk about. But it's heavy on her mind. ]
None of the boyfriends I've had've ever felt...right.
no subject
[One thing he's learned about Riley . . . his instinct is always to get involved. To push. To make changes, whether they're asked for or not. But with Riley, it doesn't work that way. If she's pushed, she pulls back, back and back and back until she trips and falls. It's not worth it.]
[She has to take the first step.]
Maybe you don't like boys.
[And he's ready to meet her when she does.]
no subject
And yet, at the same time...
She stands on the edge of a ravine. The answer's on the other side. But, that answer's...scary. It's all-consuming, it's the missing puzzle piece, it's—
It's an alternate answer to the one she'd given herself. That in the end, this just wasn't something for her. ]
What? No, that's... [ Not as easy to shrug off, after the dream world. ] I- would've known if that's the case by now. ...Right...?
no subject
Not necessarily. I don't think it works like that. Besides, it's . . .
[Quiet again. He remembers back to Christmas, the way she pulled away from him then before they understood each other, the way she assumed his intentions instinctively and shrunk from them. Their lives have been different, very different, but this might be the area most outside his realm of experience. He's never had to be Riley Williams, the pretty, bubbly, collectible cheerleader.]
There are expectations put on all of us. Some are harder to lose than others.
no subject
[ They? ...Her parents. Automatically, she hears the word expectations and they come to mind. He...probably didn't even mean it like that. They're just on her mind a lot. ]
...No one ever, like...told me, I was supposed to... [ A pause. ] I mean, there's— plenty of girls like that back home, and I'm not—
[ It feels weird to talk about this. Like, weird to talk about this here, out in the open, as people keep passing by them, but weird to talk about this in general as well. Riley's grip on Giorno's arm tightens just a bit. Her voice lowers. ]
I never thought there was anything wrong with it, I mean, like...even Cai...
[ She trails off again. That's on her mind a lot, too. ]
no subject
Thinking it's fine on someone else isn't the same as thinking it's fine in you.
[For some reason he thinks about Steve, that first day on the ice. The backpedaling, that look — it's not the first time he's seen it and it won't be the last, that journey of it-doesn't-bother-me-but. It's not relevant, not really, but there are similarities. It's easier to accept some things in others than in oneself, for a lot of reasons.]
[A lot of reasons.]
Italian men don't look or act like me. No one ever said to my face that I wasn't measuring up, not in such clear language, but that doesn't mean I didn't hear the message. Things like that don't have to come in words, you know?
[Mm. And this . . .] What about Cai? [Because he saw enough of the dream, but this sounds new. Something Riley hasn't told him, all dreams aside.]
no subject
It's Giorno. He's Giorno, he's not going to- to hurt her, she trusts him. He's family—real family.
It almost makes her forget to listen, while she's wrapped up in comfort. Almost pushes away all the fear and discomfort. He's right, because sometimes the messages without words were worse, weren't they? The dismissing looks, the missed holidays, the lack of acknowledgement.
Her mouth is dry when she answers. ]
She, um... Like- she's got a boyfriend, but she's...you know. Kissed girls before. At parties, and like— [ Her voice is so quiet. So very quiet. ] ...When I was first... When a guy first asked me out and I was...nervous about it, she...taught me how to.
no subject
[He's not so surprised, then, to hear it from that side. That Riley allowed it, though . . .]
[He's quiet for a moment, but then he smiles, soft and unfiltered as his chin dips slightly.]
That makes me happy to hear, actually. I don't know if you put a lot of value on firsts. I don't usually, but — it's good that you kissed her for the first time, instead of someone you didn't know or care about.
[Or have any interest in, most likely.]
no subject
Still, she scrambles to clarify: ] Well, it's not- like, people always say that...you know, practice isn't exactly the same thing, you know?
[ People say. People. ]
no subject
Do you really believe that?
no subject
...I used to.
no subject
[She's honest. It's more than he expects about this sort of thing most of the time, but today she seems to be more open. Maybe it's the immersion in a perfect world followed by a month's coma, or something.]
I have a hypothesis. Do you mind if I share it?
no subject
Um. Sure.
no subject
I think that, because you knew what it was like with her, those boys who went after her could never measure up. No matter how much you wanted them to, you knew better. That it wasn't what you wanted.
Is there anything to that?
no subject
I've never... I never thought about...any of this, before.
[ She's mumbling.
It's not a no. ]
no subject
That's okay.
[Not it's okay, even though he thinks it is. It's clear that Riley doesn't feel okay right now. Unstable, walking some tightrope he can't even see. But it's okay, he tells her, that she's never thought of it before. And,] Go slowly. There's no deadline, Riley.
. . . Do you want to find somewhere to sit?
no subject
It feels so stupid that it's one of them. ]
no subject
[There's a small, rather clumsily-built pond next to a bench just a few yards in. That's where he leads her, tugging her down to sit next to him. Instead of restarting conversation right away, taking the reins back himself, he leans his shoulder against her shoulder, then his temple against hers. Just for a moment, before pulling back to give her space.]
[He loves her, that's all. There are plenty of ways to say it without speaking.]
no subject
She squeezes her eyes closed for a long moment. ]
I don't- even know why this is so... I never wanted to— ...I gave up on this stuff years ago. It wasn't- none of it was...working, and... I was just...trying to focus on cheer, so...
I don't even...want to...
[ A perfect world. She trails off. ]
no subject
I'm going to tell you something. I'd appreciate it if you kept it between us.
[He doesn't ask her to promise, because it's not something he'd even think of worrying about. Not from Riley. Not about this. Still, he can't help but hesitate before he speaks. It's such a strangely personal and, to him, just strange thing to even think about, let alone say out loud.]
. . . I decided several years ago that I wasn't interested in "this stuff". Not because it wasn't working, but because I didn't want to try. For a lot of reasons — I didn't want people near me. I didn't like or trust anyone. I found the idea of pretending to be someone I wasn't repulsive, and I didn't see any way to engage with other people genuinely without risk. And I was busy. I was working towards something. I didn't have time for distractions.
[Not exactly the same, then, but not all that different, either. This time, when he squeezes her hand, it's for his own comfort.]
It worked for a long time, and I thought I was being very successful, but I wasn't. I didn't have nearly as much control over it as I thought I did. Which isn't . . . I didn't like that. I still don't. But I can't stop myself from . . .
[Hm, no. Now it's his turn to trail off. Staring down at his hand resting over hers, he sighs, feeling prickly and uncomfortable, but not as bad as he could be, considering he's never put any of this into words before.]
I don't think anyone can, [is where he ends up. No one can shut love off entirely. There's no perfect self-isolation. There's always a way for someone to break in.]
no subject
It's not...like this. Even whenever he's being vulnerable with her, this seems... ]
Giorno, you don't have...to...
[ What happens next isn't entirely something she means to do. Her closest wing stretches out around him. Her own unorthodox hug.
Her hand turns over, so she can lace their fingers together. ]
I didn't- want to be alone, it just- ...there were...so many things I couldn't talk about, so... I just kept...pushing. And pushing, and...
...It felt easier. To stop reaching out.
[ To stop seeing the hands reaching back to her. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
cw: cannibalism mentions, self-harm allusions kind of
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
cw: parental neglect, bullying
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
punches myself in the face for taking so long to reply to this honestly
punches myself back
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)