isawallflower | RYSLIG; ic inbox

[This time, she gets an unimpressed look.]

Do you really believe that?

[ She glances away. ]

...I used to.

Mm.

[She's honest. It's more than he expects about this sort of thing most of the time, but today she seems to be more open. Maybe it's the immersion in a perfect world followed by a month's coma, or something.]

I have a hypothesis. Do you mind if I share it?

[ For her, just yesterday, she was in that perfect world. Perfect in ways she didn't even know were perfect. ]

Um. Sure.

[Another step forward. She takes one, and so does he. Metaphorically, that is. They've been walking this whole time, but there's a difference.]

I think that, because you knew what it was like with her, those boys who went after her could never measure up. No matter how much you wanted them to, you knew better. That it wasn't what you wanted.

Is there anything to that?

Edited 2021-08-14 03:56 (UTC)

[ They've been walking. But Riley slows to a stop now, heart in her throat. Her arm trembles around Giorno's. ]

I've never... I never thought about...any of this, before.

[ She's mumbling.

It's not a no. ]

[He slows with her, of course. Stops with her. Lays his other hand over hers on his arm, this time, alongside the vine that tightens slightly.]

That's okay.

[Not it's okay, even though he thinks it is. It's clear that Riley doesn't feel okay right now. Unstable, walking some tightrope he can't even see. But it's okay, he tells her, that she's never thought of it before. And,] Go slowly. There's no deadline, Riley.

. . . Do you want to find somewhere to sit?

[ Wordlessly, Riley nods. So many times, it feels like her words fail her, and this time, it's...

It feels so stupid that it's one of them. ]

[By now, he knows every park in Bavan by heart. He doesn't even have to try hard to remember where the nearest one is and how to get there from here. With a squeeze of her hand, he tugs her down a narrow side street, out through a square, and half a block south — and there it is, a small patch of green in the middle of the city.]

[There's a small, rather clumsily-built pond next to a bench just a few yards in. That's where he leads her, tugging her down to sit next to him. Instead of restarting conversation right away, taking the reins back himself, he leans his shoulder against her shoulder, then his temple against hers. Just for a moment, before pulling back to give her space.]

[He loves her, that's all. There are plenty of ways to say it without speaking.]

[ Lost in her own thoughts, Riley's relatively easy to lead to and through the park. She loves the parks of Bavan, honestly. They're pretty, and when she used to go running, before her feet made that difficult, they were her favorite places to workout. Good scenery, a good way to try and relax. Now, it's like she blinks and there they are, sitting on the bench. There they are, pressed together. Such a soft, tender moment that her mind keeps racing over.

She squeezes her eyes closed for a long moment. ]

I don't- even know why this is so... I never wanted to— ...I gave up on this stuff years ago. It wasn't- none of it was...working, and... I was just...trying to focus on cheer, so...

I don't even...want to...

[ A perfect world. She trails off. ]

[Oh boy. That sounds . . . uncomfortably familiar. The noise he huffs out is nebulous, not quite one thing or another. Whatever its nuances, it's directed entirely at himself.]

I'm going to tell you something. I'd appreciate it if you kept it between us.

[He doesn't ask her to promise, because it's not something he'd even think of worrying about. Not from Riley. Not about this. Still, he can't help but hesitate before he speaks. It's such a strangely personal and, to him, just strange thing to even think about, let alone say out loud.]

. . . I decided several years ago that I wasn't interested in "this stuff". Not because it wasn't working, but because I didn't want to try. For a lot of reasons — I didn't want people near me. I didn't like or trust anyone. I found the idea of pretending to be someone I wasn't repulsive, and I didn't see any way to engage with other people genuinely without risk. And I was busy. I was working towards something. I didn't have time for distractions.

[Not exactly the same, then, but not all that different, either. This time, when he squeezes her hand, it's for his own comfort.]

It worked for a long time, and I thought I was being very successful, but I wasn't. I didn't have nearly as much control over it as I thought I did. Which isn't . . . I didn't like that. I still don't. But I can't stop myself from . . .

[Hm, no. Now it's his turn to trail off. Staring down at his hand resting over hers, he sighs, feeling prickly and uncomfortable, but not as bad as he could be, considering he's never put any of this into words before.]

I don't think anyone can, [is where he ends up. No one can shut love off entirely. There's no perfect self-isolation. There's always a way for someone to break in.]

[ As he talks, Riley listens. It's more vulnerable than she usually hears him, particularly because...it sounds like he's working through this, right now. He sounds uncertain, like she's uncertain, and that doesn't seem... Well, okay, Giorno's not exactly a bastion of emotional security? But usually what he opens up about is something he's already thought about. Something he's already worked through, something he's explaining to her.

It's not...like this. Even whenever he's being vulnerable with her, this seems... ]

Giorno, you don't have...to...

[ What happens next isn't entirely something she means to do. Her closest wing stretches out around him. Her own unorthodox hug.

Her hand turns over, so she can lace their fingers together. ]

I didn't- want to be alone, it just- ...there were...so many things I couldn't talk about, so... I just kept...pushing. And pushing, and...

...It felt easier. To stop reaching out.

[ To stop seeing the hands reaching back to her. ]

[She's not at all wrong. He's thought about the first part of it to an almost absurd degree, writing it into his mind and his mores until it feels genetically encoded: he does not need anyone. He can and should know exactly who he is and what he wants, and maybe in some improbable future he can have those things — but he will never need them. Not ever. That's what he told himself. That's part of what made him Giorno and not Haruno, who needed and never received. Giorno provides for his own needs, builds his own kingdom, brings his own dreams to life.]

[The part he's never put voice to is the shattering of that illusion. It's been broken down so thoroughly that the glass has turned back to sand. Much of what broke it down was family, the kind he didn't know existed, not blood but breath and heart and love — but that wasn't all of it. It just wasn't, and for Riley, he's willing to look that fact in the eye. People are something he can't live without. Love is something he can't put back in the box. That's always been the reality.]

[He half-smiles when her wing brushes his shoulder, leans gently into the touch. Laces his fingers between hers in turn.]

I know I don't have to.

[That's . . . part of the point, isn't it. He doesn't have to. But he wants to sit in this with her, and while they're not here to talk about his heart, this particular throughline of his heart's story is . . . quite relevant.]

It does feel easier. When there are things you can't talk about and you're used to not being heard in any case.

[Their hands are so gentle with each other, he thinks. Not like they used to be. Back in November, he could never have imagined he'd be able to sit with her like this, or be so open.]

I don't think I really wanted to be alone, either. It just seemed like the only option, and the safest one. I don't know what I would have done if I had someone like Cairo, but . . . Part of me thinks it must have been even more frightening than having no one.

[Because what happens if you have someone and then no one? Better to pull away first. Better to break it yourself, so no one can break it for you.]

[ He wants to. Like Cairo wanted to. He wants to reach out and help her, no matter how many times she's rejected it. No matter what she's done.

It almost makes her feel sick.

Her wing shudders against him. ]

I- I knew, we were- ...high school made things...complicated. I...got on the team, our first year and- and I don't know why, she was great, but they- they didn't take her. And...she just started...going to all these parties and I- I tried, I wanted to, I didn't want to be alone, but-

[ She couldn't keep up. It was terrifying. To watch herself...losing her best friend, like that. Especially since— ]

...I thought...maybe when we were both...on the same page, it'd be better, but...it never got better. Nothing did. Not...with her, or...with my...

[ ... ]

So. ...When... I couldn't think of...how to ask her for- help, the kind I really...really needed, I... After...that night, I... I just...stopped...

[ It's still about girls, broadly. But. This has been sitting inside her. For months. For...oh, god, has it been a year? Since she's spoken to her? Really spoken to her? ]

No one was gonna...be able to really understand. Not...what was going through my head. Not even her. That's what it felt like.

[That's what it felt like.]

[It makes him sad. Really, really sad — because from the way she's phrased that, he knows. He knows she knows the difference between what it felt like and all the realities that might have been. Riley has found people here who understand, or who are at the very least willing to listen, to open their hearts, to hear. To help.]

[It makes him sad, thinking about her looking back on her choices and regretting. But all he can do is be here with her now.]

[His weight rests slightly more heavily on her shoulder.]

I wonder if she thought some of the same things. That there were things about her life that had gotten so complicated you couldn't understand.

[Mirthless, he smiles briefly.]

I don't understand a lot of these things. The complexity of . . . being part of something like the school, the team. So I worry about getting it wrong, but . . .

Do you still think that now? That she wouldn't have understood.

Her too...?

[ It doesn't seem like that's occurred to Riley. That maybe she'd been under some kind of weight, too. It's such a simple conclusion, one that she's never even considered, because—because she was so focused on herself. On the idea that no one could possibly help her, even though that's what she wanted more than anything else in the world.

She sits in this moment, letting it wash over her before she responds. ]

I don't...know. [ It's honest. It's true. But— ] I was so sure before, but— Maybe. She...might've.

[ Just that little doubt's enough to shake her. It's been enough, since she's started to receive that support here. ]

[There's so much about Cairo he doesn't know. Almost everything. But being friends with Riley takes patience and determination and hard work, a certain specific type of stubbornness. He wonders what it was like for her, putting all of that in and Riley still pulling away. Even here it's been so frustrating. Somehow, he thinks for Cairo it must have been worse.]

It's easy when—

[No. He stops, fingers fidgeting on Riley's arms, before his mouth sets and he continues.]

Haruno didn't . . . think anyone would help. It's not the same, but I know the feeling is — strong, and deep, and louder than anything else. So every time you think that maybe you're wrong and someone would care, it gets drowned out.

I didn't know how it felt to watch someone else drowning in that. Not until here, until you. It felt sort of like that in February, though. When we weren't talking. It felt like I couldn't reach you, no matter what I tried. You thought I was angry with you, or disgusted, but I was mostly just sad and scared.

I don't know how I feel about that. Being on both sides of it, I think they're both too painful to be fair.

[ Riley doesn't like thinking about that time. February. Between how weird everything got with Giorno and the shambling fake version of her family...

(The first time she ate a person and it was really just an extension of herself. It feels grossly apt, doesn't it?)

As such, she shivers a little at the mention. What she did to Giorno and what she did to Cairo... They're similar, aren't they? ]

I was so sure...that you'd want...nothing to do with me... [ She remembers it. She remembers very well, and yet— ] But now, I... I can't even imagine how I ever could think that.

[ He's Giorno. That should explain everything.

Riley huddles a little, squeezing her legs together, sinking her neck into her shoulders. ]

Why'd I have to wait until I showed up here to learn that?

. . . I don't know.

[It's thoughtful, more than anything. After a moment, he glances sideways at Riley and thinks about hugging her. Instead, he bumps her shoulder lightly.]

I didn't know a lot of things before here. I didn't expect to learn anything, but I have. That doesn't fix it, but I — it isn't just you. We're both . . . still learning.

[. . .]

I'd forgive you again. I'd forgive you no matter how many times you did it. And Cairo sounds like she loves you, so she would too. Even if it's complicated — especially if it's complicated, she won't give up any more easily than I would.

[ Riley glances back at him. If he catches her eye, she'll look almost...shy. ]

...You already sound like you know her. She's probably one of the most stubborn people I've ever met.

[ She bumps his shoulder back. ]

[Of course he does. His smile is small, but real.]

Well. You did say she kept on trying. I don't know her, but I know you, and I know what you've said about her, so I imagine her to be . . . strong and uncompromising, with a fierce sense of self.

Am I right?

[Go on, Riley, talk about your girlfriend.]

[ It's weird talking about Cairo in this context. It's always been easy, just talking about her best friend, but now...

Riley flushes just a little. ]

She's uncompromising. She... Sometimes it seems like she doesn't have any ambition, you know? Always going to parties, just...joking around. But at the same time, she knows what she wants and she just...she goes for it. And it always seems effortless. ...Even though I know it's not. We- there's always been sides of us that...we only share with each other. It's... She used to be the only person I felt comfortable seeing me cry.

[He makes a soft noise of understanding. Having one person who was allowed to see her cry . . . well, he understands that perfectly well. It hasn't been for nearly as long — after all, he didn't have any childhood friends — but that's what Mista is for him. The person who gets to see him fall apart.]

You don't need to hang onto your control when it's just her. You can let go for a little while. And she can with you, too. Even though she's so strong, she lets herself not be with you when she needs to.

[Hm. Secretively, he smiles.]

You meet her high standards. Impressive.

...Yeah.

[ Her smile flickers, just a little bit. ]

Did...I ever tell you how we became friends?

[ No. She knows the answer's no, she never talks about this anymore, never talks about the shy, scared little girl she wants to forget she was, wants to forget she still is. ]

We'd been in the same school for...awhile, but we didn't... We weren't really in a lot of classes together until fourth grade. I was— ...Things were getting...worse, at home. My, uh...my brother just went off to college, and...well, my parents...always liked him a lot better. [ She lets that sit for just a few moments, before hurrying on. ] Anyway, it meant— well, I was always...quiet? But it was harder. I...didn't know what to...say, or do, to make them feel better, and...it harder to express myself, too.

[ Her stutter kept getting worse. And they just...kept talking over her. Didn't have time for her. ]

It was the first day of class, and...all the other kids, I'd been in homeroom with most of them before. None of them wanted to, you know...sit by me, but Cairo—

[ Again, she pauses, envisioning the moment in her mind. ]

She...walked over to the empty seat, and...introduced herself. When it took me a moment to, um...respond, one of the other kids... He told her to watch out, that...if she wasn't careful, she might...catch my stutter.

[ Her eyes rest on her lap. Even the memory of it's alienating and uncomfortable. Relaying this, it's...terrifying. ]

All the other kids started laughing. I almost missed it, 'cause I wanted to just...get up and run, but Cairo, she—

[ Despite herself, her smile grows again. Now, the memory's so very warm. ]

She punched him right in the face.

Edited 2021-09-09 03:50 (UTC)

[He listens. Carefully and calmly, like he always tries to when Riley tells him about her life before. It's difficult sometimes, because often what she has to say is infuriating. He has a lot of feelings about it, about her family especially. So he's always deliberate in the way he listens and doesn't speak.]

[But oh boy, does she catch him off guard this time. He's listening sedately, nodding every few sentences, until his sedate nodding runs headfirst into the sentence she punched him right in the face.]

[And he laughs. No, more accurately, he hoots, a sound whose volume would be totally out of bounds for Giorno normally — but he can't help himself.]

What the fuck, Riley!

[He's mostly covered his mouth with one hand now, but he's still laughing, absolutely disbelieving.]

What the hell, why haven't you ever told me that? That's incredible. That's the best thing I've ever heard. Good!

[WIFE HER]

Well, it makes sense now, how could you not develop a decade-long simmering crush after that. [be quiet idiot]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 * CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY>** Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!

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cw: cannibalism mentions, self-harm allusions kind of

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cw: parental neglect, bullying

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