isawallflower | RYSLIG; ic inbox

[ The storm of her own thoughts keeps her from hearing Mukuro's approach until she's right in front of her and it's impossible not to. Her head shoots up and her face flashes through so many different expressions. First, fear and panic—it was in this apartment, it was here— then surprise, relief—oh thank god, oh she's not alone, she's not alone— and then, starkly and suddenly—

Despair.

The freed claw drags on the floor as she scrambles backward. The other wraps into muscle and rips feathers and flesh from her arm. She shakes her head with a desperate whine. ]

No. No, no, no, n-n- no, jus- just- go. Leave, I- c-can't, can't—!

[ A moment of comfort means nothing. Not when once everything comes crumbling down she'll just be alone again, alone or forced to be the feral thing they expect of her.

You can't count on anyone. ]

Edited (cant get me smalltext) 2021-06-16 01:40 (UTC)

[God, she's still so scared - but there's a glimmer of relief, too, enough that Mukuro doesn't want to just immediately retreat and leave her be. Especially when that very familiar despair makes itself known. Seeing it on Riley's face, of all people - it hurts in a way she didn't expect, makes her stomach twist with guilt and worry.

--She's hurting herself again.

Mukuro moves forward without even thinking about it, reaching first to take Riley's taloned hand, to stop her from carving into herself any further. She doesn't care if she gets hurt, instead. She can handle it, and the Fog heals. No, in fact, she pulls Riley gently towards her and right into another embrace, with her other arm wrapped around her and her snout resting over Riley's shoulder. The better to murmur to her, very softly:]

It's okay. I promise.
I'm not leaving you alone.

[ This is always how it seems to go, isn't it? Mukuro pulls her in, holds her while she hangs limp like a ragdoll. Softly, she reassures her.

That's why the hydra thought she was an easy target.

She could snap your neck again, so easily—

Riley shuts her eyes tight to keep the tears from falling. She tries to pull away, undoubtedly getting blood from her arm on Mukuro's fur. ]

No... N-no, you- you will— [ The words come out before she can stop them. ] You- you're- gonna hate me- everyone- everyone's gonna—

[She shakes her head a little, shifting a bit so she can more easily pull Riley into her lap. She lets go of Riley's hand, but only so she can loop her arm around her for a more complete embrace. Even her tail curls up and tucks around them, as best it can. Anything to give Riley even a tiny bit more comfort.]

No, I won't.

[Mukuro's voice is as gentle as her touch, trying so hard to keep the wolfish rumble out of it - the last thing she wants is to scare her.]

Riley, I promise, it's okay. You -

[She swallows, wonders if it's better or worse to mention this, before deciding it's better not to make Riley tear her confession out of herself again. So even though she's half-convinced Riley will be angry at her for the deception, if she remembers, Mukuro continues in a near-whisper.]

...You already told me. When you were - sick.

[ And just like that, her struggling ceases. Riley goes utterly still, the only sound from her those quick, shallow gasps of breath as she tries to force down the panic attack rippling through her.

No. No, that— ]

Tha- that...was a dream- n-no, that—

[ The only movement is her trembling. ]

[Another little shake of her head. This feels a little like picking at a scab. Like she's hurting Riley all over again. But - it's a wound that needs airing out.]

I saw you fall - you needed help, so I brought you home. You thought I was someone else.

[Someone better, that hissing voice reminds her, but she shoves it aside. Her stupid feelings aren't important right now. No, she's here for Riley, she's here to help clean out this old hurt. She speaks very softly, arms still around the harpy, holding her in a nest of warm fur.]

You told me - what happened. At your sleepover.

Edited (im a mess) 2021-06-16 18:52 (UTC)

[ That was Cairo, holding her, nursing her back to health. That— was Cairo, telling her it was all okay. That—

Was someone with a lower voice. With fur. Who is here, actually here, not in one of her dreams or wild fantasies. ]

No. N- no, oh. Oh god. Oh g- god, oh—

[ Like that night, this feels so nice. So comforting and warm. But everything in her is screaming. ]

[She can feel it, Riley's rapid heartbeat fluttering in the cage of her chest. She can feel how tense she is, like a string pulled so taut it's seconds away from snapping. She's scared - she's terrified, of course she is, she's terrified that Mukuro will - hurt her, or hate her, or expose her to the world.

Of being left alone.

It's an echo of a fear Mukuro has handled many times before. Not her own, but close enough to her heart for it to feel like second nature. She doesn't think twice, doesn't hesitate - just turns her head slightly to nuzzle at the harpy, closing her eyes and holding her just a bit tighter.]

It's okay.

[When she speaks, it's with the voice she used when they were small. Soft and reassuring, even if it's a different recipient, this time. It's okay, I'm here.]

Riley, it's okay, I promise.
I'm not afraid of you. And - I'd never tell.

[ Against Celeste, she pushed back so hard. She's not like that, she doesn't have to be, she's not— a bad person, she's not—

But now? Now, here? All the fight's gone out of her.

(Someone else who would sit by her side? Someone else who would carry her, hold her, tell her it's okay? No... No, this can't—) ]

No...! No, you're g-going to— ev- everyone's— going t-t-t- to— I ju- just- just wanted t-to— [ A thousand different things she wants to say at once, but none of the wherewithal to put the words together. None of the mental endurance. She shakes against Mukuro's fur, gasping in, choking out: ] I'm sorry—!!

[Her ears droop, a little, listening to Riley's ragged breathing and desperate fragmented speech. It's so clear how badly she's hurting.]

I know. I know you are.

[There's a pause, where Mukuro tries to think of what to say. She's always been clumsy with her words, always found it so much harder to speak instead of act - Riley feels so fragile under her hands, like she could break at any second, and Mukuro doesn't trust herself to fix anything when all she's good for is destruction. But she has to try. Because she's the one who's here, even if Riley deserves better. Riley needs her to try. So she nuzzles at her again, lets her clutch at her fur, and murmurs quietly into her pointed ear.]

Riley... You're not a bad person.
Bad people don't feel so guilty.

[Not like her.]

[ And yet still, Riley shakes her head. Instead of fighting, mercifully, she's gone into freeze-mode, like the scared little girl she once was (still is)— her claws don't rake against Mukuro's fur, don't draw blood like the last time they were in this oh-so-small apartment (no— no, she says there was a time after, a time she thought was—) and she feels herself torn in a thousand different directions. ]

No! No, I— I'm a monster—!!

[ It's the only thing she can concretely say, besides her apologies. Her shoulders shake and heave, her body trembles, her wings hang limp. She's a shrill, incoherent mess, and the only way they're going to get anywhere is if she can suck it up and breathe, but she just can't. ]

[There are so many things she could say to that.

'We all are' comes to mind, but that isn't what this is really about. 'I'm much worse than you' isn't exactly comforting, and the last thing she wants is for Riley to be any more scared of her than she might already be. But - it doesn't matter. Nothing she could say matters, right now; she doesn't need stupid platitudes. Even if Mukuro wasn't awful at talking, Riley can't listen. Not when she's this strung out and panicked. So. Instead, she pulls back just far enough to look Riley in the face, bright yellow eyes steady and piercing.]

Riley.
Look at me.

[Her voice is still low and quiet, but right now, it's demanding her attention. As much as it hurts to see Riley like this, Mukuro has plenty of experience handling panic attacks - she's not about to let Riley just sit here and deteriorate.]

Everything will be okay.
Just breathe along with me for now.

[ If she looks at Mukuro, then Mukuro can see her. Her awful, wicked self, the her she can't hide anymore, the reason she's here, the reason her parents will never love her, the reason she's a failure—monster and a failure, failure of being a monster, failure failure failure—

Wolf eyes catch avian nevertheless.

They're captivating. Beautiful in their calculation, beautiful in their efficiency.

Riley hiccoughs in her sobs. ]

But— b-but I c-can't— [ Her protests are whimpers, too soft to be real. The moment reminds her of countless nights where Cairo would talk her down, or—

Or of what she thought was a dream. Reality focuses in from the fractured kaleidoscope of her fevered memories of that night. This isn't the first time they've talked about this. This isn't the first time Mukuro has reassured her.

She remembers that now. ]

[Riley looks, despite her weak protests, and Mukuro looks back unflinchingly - though she keeps her snout angled slightly downward when she speaks again, to hide her teeth.]

Good. See, you can do it.
Just focus on me.

[She breathes in, slow and deep, filling her lungs almost entirely before starting a controlled exhale. Modeling for Riley.]

[ She can't get it right away. She lets out quick gasps instead. But she doesn't look away, not even as tears escape her eyes.

Another gasp. Another. Another...until they slow to the deep breaths Mukuro's demonstrating. ]

[Mukuro waits, eyes on Riley's all the while. She can be patient for Riley; she'd wait hours if that's what it took. It's not as though she has anything else to do - and even if she did, this is important. Riley is important.]

That's it... good, you've got it.
You're okay, Riley.

[She speaks in a low murmur, soft enough that Riley needs to stay close and focused to listen, but with more warmth in her tone than usual. It's hard to stay distant and dead when you're this close with someone, and when the situation is this close to your heart. They're still so intertwined - Riley was one of the first to break past Mukuro's usual aversion to touch, and it feels almost completely natural now to keep her arms around the harpy in her lap.]

[ It's not like Riley shies away from touch. But she's used to it being superficial. Her parents stopped holding her at a very young age. Her brother never knew how to interact with her. You have to work closely with others in sports, can't exactly be averse to getting physical—but that was all to serve a purpose. Sure, she'd high-five teammates. Get or give a quick hug from a girl on the squad. But it didn't mean anything. The only person who really gave her physical love and affection before Ryslig, that's Cairo.

But that's not true anymore here. The walls she hadn't even realized she had slowly broke over the months, eroding away with every act of care and love. It left her at the perfect place to accept Mukuro. And yet still, she didn't think she'd receive this kind of affection back.

Sobs break into her deep breaths, but she keeps going, alternating between full breakdowns and slowly resetting her panicked mind. ]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I know. It's okay.

[Mukuro murmurs back to her without any hesitation. She knows Riley can't just turn it off - when your emotions overflow that badly, you can't stop everything leaking out the broken cracks even once you calm down a little. You're stuck at reduced capacity for a while. She's had a lifetime of experience with breakdowns like this.

One hand comes up to rub Riley's back - just like the last time she'd come here to help. Just another gentle attempt to help keep her grounded, reassure her that she isn't alone.]

You're doing good. Take all the time you need, it's okay.

[ She remembers the specific way this felt. Outside the feverous delirium—how could she ever mistake Mukuro’s touch for anyone else’s? How could she mistake them for Cairo’s? They’re so distinct.

Eventually, after minutes of this, the sharp hitches are all gone. The tension in her hasn’t left, won’t leave, but that’s normal. Her body’s fully limp now, though. She’s not half-stuck. Her forehead rests against Mukuro’s shoulder. ]

…Thank you.

[Mukuro's maintained a sense of calm through all this - she had to, if she wanted to be an anchor for Riley, adrift in her feelings. But she feels much more at ease when she feels the harpy slowly relaxing, even if only by degrees. She allows herself to touch her snout to Riley's cheek, the lightest nuzzle, before she speaks again.]

Its okay. I told you... I want to help, if you need it.
I don't mind - being here.

[The opposite, in fact. It feels good to be useful - and to be gentle, rather than fierce. It's rare, and she's not as good at it. But she's trying.]

[ The soft whimpers that escape Riley's mouth are almost...appreciative. Some of Celeste's words bounce around her head like a pinball. About how she makes herself look weak and defenseless. She's never tried to do that; in fact, she's wanted very badly to be strong. To show she can take care of herself, to never bother anyone else. ]

Not— not just for this. For...that night.

[ Mukuro brought her to safety. After everything...

It makes her hold on tighter, as little she can. ]

Edited 2021-07-09 06:34 (UTC)

[Oh. Riley clinging to her makes her own embrace tighten a little. It's okay, she's not going anywhere.]

Of course.
I couldn't just leave you there; you were really sick. I was - worried.

[So much so that Mukuro had to act immediately, rather than find someone else to help. For the best, it seems.]

...I - promised. Right...?
To - to help you.
And I - it's the least I could do. To make up for - everything.

[For hurting her, for killing her, for losing control of herself and betraying Riley's trust in her.]

I— I w- was so...scared—

[ To admit this feels wrong. To open up further feels wrong. And yet, Mukuro already knows what she's tried so hard to keep hidden. She knows her biggest and greatest secret. Isn't a little vulnerability warranted?

It's obvious, what she's saying. And yet— ]

I- it- it tried- tried to- keep me calm, but it only made- made me m-more...

[ And then Mukuro killed her. And yet, despite that, Riley won't let go. It's a strange and upsetting contradiction, as her pulse still pounds when she thinks of it, of teeth descending on her and just how easily her bones shattered—but at the same time, she remembers tender care, singing to her on the beach, the smallest, most imperceptible smile.

It's complicated. It's all complicated, far more than Riley's ever let herself be, and now, now—

She's too tired to fight that. ]

[Oh, she said it. They knew, they both knew already - how could they not? - but voicing it made it so much more real. Impossible to ignore. It's so rare for anyone to open themselves up like that, but for Riley - always so tense, always trying to be perfect - it must be so much harder. Mukuro curls over Riley as much as she can, hugging her tight to her fluffy chest. There's guilt like bile in her throat, but how she feels isn't important right now - the only important thing is making sure Riley is okay. As okay as any of them can be, here.]

...I know. And I - I'm sorry, Riley, I didn't mean--

[She swallows a little, and tries again. Because she did mean to, in the end. It had been a very calculated move. Much moreso than her panicked feral fighting had been before it.]

I never wanted to - to h-hurt you. I didn't - I wasn't thinking right, I don't - I don't know. I've never felt - so panicked, n-not - not in ages, I can usually stay calm, I should've been - better.

I'm so sorry.

[ Better.

As her fingers curl into Mukuro's fur, as they grip tightly, her blood smears on the pelt for the second time in so many weeks—though this time, Riley inflicted those injuries on herself. This time, it's really her. This time, they aren't fighting one another. ]

It—[ She practically whimpers. Presses her forehead against Mukuro's chest. ] I h- hated...watching. A- again. A-and— Steve and— and Atem, wh-when they— had- had one of those things in them, it—

[ She takes just a moment, to try and get one thought clear in her head. ]

Y-you were— scared. I n-never... Never wanted...to make some- someone... T-to trick someone, like that again.

S— sorry.

[ The fear. She understands it. Having someone you trust piloted by someone else, how much it can fuck with your head. How horrified she was, when she thought she killed Steve. How much you'd do anything not to have your body taken away from you. ]

Edited 2021-08-02 05:00 (UTC)

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 * CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY>** Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!

cw: gore, intrusive thoughts

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cw: drugging, parasite talk

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cw: self-harm mentions