isawallflower | RYSLIG; ic inbox

[Oh, she said it. They knew, they both knew already - how could they not? - but voicing it made it so much more real. Impossible to ignore. It's so rare for anyone to open themselves up like that, but for Riley - always so tense, always trying to be perfect - it must be so much harder. Mukuro curls over Riley as much as she can, hugging her tight to her fluffy chest. There's guilt like bile in her throat, but how she feels isn't important right now - the only important thing is making sure Riley is okay. As okay as any of them can be, here.]

...I know. And I - I'm sorry, Riley, I didn't mean--

[She swallows a little, and tries again. Because she did mean to, in the end. It had been a very calculated move. Much moreso than her panicked feral fighting had been before it.]

I never wanted to - to h-hurt you. I didn't - I wasn't thinking right, I don't - I don't know. I've never felt - so panicked, n-not - not in ages, I can usually stay calm, I should've been - better.

I'm so sorry.

[ Better.

As her fingers curl into Mukuro's fur, as they grip tightly, her blood smears on the pelt for the second time in so many weeks—though this time, Riley inflicted those injuries on herself. This time, it's really her. This time, they aren't fighting one another. ]

It—[ She practically whimpers. Presses her forehead against Mukuro's chest. ] I h- hated...watching. A- again. A-and— Steve and— and Atem, wh-when they— had- had one of those things in them, it—

[ She takes just a moment, to try and get one thought clear in her head. ]

Y-you were— scared. I n-never... Never wanted...to make some- someone... T-to trick someone, like that again.

S— sorry.

[ The fear. She understands it. Having someone you trust piloted by someone else, how much it can fuck with your head. How horrified she was, when she thought she killed Steve. How much you'd do anything not to have your body taken away from you. ]

Edited 2021-08-02 05:00 (UTC)

[Ah. That's who got her, Steve or Atem - Steve had shown up half-dead when it was all over, so it had to have been Atem. Easily underestimated. It had taken her and Celeste to bring him down. Perks to being undead. Really, she's lucky harpies are more fragile--

The thought makes her sick, and she turns from it like jerking away from a hot stove. That wolf ruthlessness had kept her alive, like it had for so many years, but god, she's not used to this kind of cost. She doesn't want to get used to it. As much as it would be easier to just turn off her feelings, she knows she can't. It's so, so hard - it feels impossible, with Riley's blood and tears soaking into her fur.]

It's okay.
I know it wasn't you. You didn't want to. It's okay.

[Her voice is low and soft, thrumming in her chest. She still has the scars on the side of her muzzle and down her back, but those are so much more easily forgotten than the one across Riley's throat. Even as she murmurs reassurances, her thoughts tick along steadily, mulling over exactly what Riley had said. When she speaks again, her voice is slow and stilted with the effort of translating vague feelings into words. It's not something she's had much practice with and it shows.]

I think - that's why I - got out of control. The - the tricking.
It's not your fault. I'm not upset. But when it happened, it was like - it felt like - when I died.

Edited 2021-08-02 05:37 (UTC)

When- when you—

[ It makes sense, doesn't it? When you're reminded of them, of the horrible things that've happened to you...you panic. Riley used to only freeze whenever that happened. ...She still wishes— ]

...Mukuro, I— I'm...

[ She said she wasn't upset, but Riley can't fathom how that could be. ]

[For once, it's easy for her to tell what Riley's feeling, even though she leaves it unsaid. Riley's need to be good is something Mukuro's seen enough to remember, even if it wasn't something so close to her heart. She tucks her snout down to nose at her, murmuring softly near her feathery ear.]

I know it wasn't you. You didn't trick or hurt me. You didn't want to do - anything bad to me.

[Her body was being used against her will. Unlike Mukuro, who was (mostly) in control of herself, and knew everything she did hurt Riley as much or more than the actual target. She has to swallow back the guilt before she speaks again.]

But I - I still - hurt you. It wasn't your fault and I still hurt you. I sh-should have -

[Another little swallow.]

I should have been - more - h-humane. Or just - just let you win.

No! [ Riley tries to shake her head again, to pull back and look at Mukuro, but she just succeeds in knocking her head into Mukuro's muzzle. ] No, I— it was either gonna infect you or kill you, an- and I— don't- don't- can't do tha- that again. Can't...kill someone again.

[The snoot bonk makes her flinch, but it doesn't hurt. She's back nuzzling as soon as Riley's distress is obvious.]

S-- sorry. I'm sorry. I - Okay. I won't - I won't let you. If that's - what you want.

[Soft, nearly whispering, almost like they're just normal girls sharing secrets at a sleepover. Even while Riley bleeds into her fur, even while discussing their deaths.]

If - if something else happens - and I have to ch-choose. I won't let you.
But if it's - if you have to, it's okay, too. If I'm - not - me, I won't blame you. If you have to.

It's not g- gonna. [ Firmly, fiercely, insistent. She stays still this time, so she doesn't bop Mukuro in the nose again, or gets like...some of her feathers in her face, or something. ] I won't. It just- it just won't happen.

[ She's not giving on this point, it seems. It's her nonnegotiable point. ]

[Insisting like that, that things will be okay - it's strange, but it's very Riley. If anyone was going to force the world to be a brighter place, it'd make sense to be her. She doesn't quite smile, but her eyes are very soft as she peers into Riley's.]

...Okay.

[Even if she doesn't believe her - she knows, now, that this place will always have something new to torment them with - Mukuro can accept the fantasy. At the very least, she can accept Riley might refuse to hurt her even if she needed to. Which is - wrong, but it makes her feel warm and soft all the same.

She glances down, then back to Riley's face.]

...You hurt yourself again.
Instead of - hurting Celeste. Right...?

[ The way Mukuro looks at her makes her want to look away and not all at the same time. She ends up freezing, like she used to. It's a long moment before she answers. ]

...Um. I just... I didn't...want to l- lose...control.

[ Yes. ]

[Yeah, that's definitely a yes. Mukuro just nods, and releases her hold on Riley just so she can examine the injury.]

...Mm. I get it.
We used to do this, too.

[Quietly, absently - in her attempts to assure Riley that she isn't judging her, she hasn't realized the conspicuous 'we.']

[ But, Riley… ]

“We”…? Who…?

[ It’s…sort of deep. But frankly, it’s nothing the fog won’t heal. It seems Riley only now is starting to come back to herself, so she winces as her arm moves. Jeez, it stings. ]

[It's Mukuro's turn to freeze up a little, eyes wide as she realizes her mistake. For a moment she considers just denying it entirely. But... she knows Riley's secrets, now. It isn't fair. She doesn't want to lie to Riley.]

My - my sister. Me and my sister.

[She answers very quietly, keeping her eyes on the wound.]

[ A sister. Mukuro's never mentioned a sister.

Then again... Riley doesn't exactly broadcast the fact that she has a brother, either. Except...at least for Mukuro, this sounds... She doesn't know. She looks at Mukuro with a very curious expression. ]

Oh. I...didn't know, you... [ ... ] You...both of you, used to...?

Edited 2021-08-03 07:07 (UTC)

[She can tell her own attitude is making it weird, but she can't really - turn it off. She's at least gotten to the point that she can talk about it without going completely nonfunctional, and that's the best she can manage right now.]

Yeah.
I - I was - angry. A lot. At home. But I couldn't - I couldn't do anything, and I had to keep control. So...

[She shrugs, still unwilling to look up. Not exactly ashamed, obviously Riley would understand. But she knows 'home' is a delicate topic, too.]

Or when I get - stuck. Like - like on the beach. Sometimes it's just - I have to - make myself real.
... And my - m-my sister - she had - so many feelings. All the time. It was really hard for her. Like - sh-she couldn't - keep them all inside.

[ Home. ]

And you had...to, to do something to...

[ It makes sense. She hates that it makes sense.

Riley was rarely angry. Rarely let herself be angry. Maybe that's why it all pours out now, and she can't seem to stop it.

It's a good thing Mukuro isn't looking at her. Riley doesn't really know what kind of expression she's making. It feels too open. ]

I never... [ No, that's not...quite right— ] ...I couldn't... I had to be a- a good... a good kid, whatever they- whatever I was...feeling, and... All I cared about was...if they'd notice, but— even when I...worked myself ragged, they never...

[ She tries to make herself smaller, almost out of instinct, but immediately she winces instead, giving that up as blood runs down her arm to the floor. ]

Crap. S- sorry, um. I should...

[ They need to bandage that, huh? ]

[Be good. Had to be good, so they'd pay attention. Had to be good, so maybe they would forgive you for existing. Your feelings are inconvenient, so just shut up and smile.

There's a small, stiff nod. Yes, she understands.
Junko was like that, when she was very small.]

...Y-yeah. I - yeah.

[The way Riley shrinks down makes her want to curl around her again, an aimless and immediate protective instinct - but she's right, the injury needs to be treated. She'll be all right, the Fog heals, but even so. Mukuro nods again before pulling away to fetch first aid supplies - disinfectant, bandages - and returns to kneel back down in front of the harpy. She finally manages to glance up at her face for a moment before focusing back on the task at hand, mumbling:]

I - um. I know - what you mean. The - the being ignored.
That was - really hard for my s-sister, too.
Our parents n-never - they never - h-hurt her like me.

[ To try and make the process easier, Riley holds out her arm and tries to keep it from trembling. That's easier said than done, but she's making a valiant attempt.

That's a lot harder, at Mukuro's stilted confession. ]

They...shouldn't have hurt you at all.

[ She's horrified. At least they never did that, she thinks. At least they never hurt her. It's a painful bright side that makes her feel sick. ]

[Mukuro just nods again, tiredly. She knows. There's plenty of things people shouldn't do, and they've seen it all.]

I mean - they'd hit her, but it wasn't - as often. Or as bad.

[Her voice is just as exhausted, murmuring low and toneless as she disinfects Riley's injury. Her touch is gentle, despite her oversized paws and razor claws. Clearly, she has had plenty of practice. Years and years of it.]

...They still - h-hurt her. The things they'd say, or just - ignoring her.
It wasn't - easier f-for her. Or better. Just - different.

[She's still talking about Junko, but she's seen Riley downplay her own issues enough times to guess what's going on in her head. Mukuro almost thinks she had it easier, of the two of them. She never had any illusions about what their parents were like, she never had a chance to grow attached to them or mourn the loss of their affection. You can't lose something you never had.]

[ It's the perfect distraction from how the disinfectant stings. Nothing possibly could hurt more than listening to this. ]

What... What'd she... [ ... ] Did she keep...trying? To get their attention?

[ Maybe if she dedicated everything to being successful at a single thing, it'd work. Maybe if she made the team. Maybe if she became captain. Maybe if she got the girls to regionals. Maybe, maybe, maybe— maybe they'd stop writing her off as a failure. ]

Yeah. Til I left.

[Nearly a whisper, heavy with guilt.]

A-After - after that - she ran away, too. They w-were - worse to her. Without me there.

[And both of them learned how horrific the world is, and how cruel humans are, and how pointless all of this is. She takes a slow, shaky breath, then gently presses gauze to Riley's injury.]

I think - sh-she went through - w-worse than me after, too.
I didn't see her again until we were - um, around f-fifteen.

Edited 2021-08-04 01:29 (UTC)

[ The arm that isn't injured, the one where her own blood drips from her claws—it comes up to shakily touch Mukuro's arm. ]

I'm... I'm really sorry. You- neither...neither one of you...

[ What can you say to this? Anything? ]

...They didn't deserve you.

[The hesitant touch isn't enough to startle - Riley's always been so kind to her - but it still makes her look up in soft surprise.]

... It's okay. I mean - it's n-not - it's not your fault.

[She wraps the bandage carefully around Riley's arm, securing the gauze. With that and the Fog, she should heal up just fine. She glances up again, soft and searching.]

...Yours didn't deserve you, either.

[ It's one thing, to say that to someone else. It's another to hear it in return. After a few shocked, silent seconds, Riley realizes that's...probably what Mukuro's experiencing, too. ]

Thank... Thank you.

[ When the moment lasts too long, her eyes jerk away, to focus instead on her carefully bandaged arm. She's had so few people there, to help her after...well, after anything like this, before Ryslig. Nights fighting away the guilt, alone, because her parents won't come home and she's too scared to reach out to anyone who actually cares.

...She wonders if it was like that for Mukuro and her sister, too. ]

Thank you.

[ Even though sharing that look is too much...she doesn't remove her hand from Mukuro's arm. ]

[She won't hold the stare, either. It's a lot for both of them. But she doesn't move away when Riley makes it clear she isn't either. Instead, she touches her snout to Riley's cheek again, a light brush of fur on feathers.]

...Mm. You're welcome.

[The words feel strange in her mouth; she's so much more used to giving reassurances and minimizing herself. But she doesn't want it to feel like she's just... brushing Riley off, or like she doesn't understand, or anything like that. This is important. As quiet and stilted as they are, as few words as they might use, this is important.]

And - th-thank you, too.
I - mm. I don't - I've never talked - about that.

[Her voice is smaller than it should be, the meek little girl hiding behind the big bad wolf.]

We never really told anyone.

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cw: self-harm mentions

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cw: self-harm discussions, this thread is a nightmare

cw: self harm and abusive homes, hooray

cw: self harm and abusive homes, continued!

cw: hoo boy, see above

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cw: Very Bad Parents!!

cw: Parents SO Bad!!

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cw: therapy malpractice mention

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