isawallflower | RYSLIG; ic inbox

[There are so many things she could say to that.

'We all are' comes to mind, but that isn't what this is really about. 'I'm much worse than you' isn't exactly comforting, and the last thing she wants is for Riley to be any more scared of her than she might already be. But - it doesn't matter. Nothing she could say matters, right now; she doesn't need stupid platitudes. Even if Mukuro wasn't awful at talking, Riley can't listen. Not when she's this strung out and panicked. So. Instead, she pulls back just far enough to look Riley in the face, bright yellow eyes steady and piercing.]

Riley.
Look at me.

[Her voice is still low and quiet, but right now, it's demanding her attention. As much as it hurts to see Riley like this, Mukuro has plenty of experience handling panic attacks - she's not about to let Riley just sit here and deteriorate.]

Everything will be okay.
Just breathe along with me for now.

[ If she looks at Mukuro, then Mukuro can see her. Her awful, wicked self, the her she can't hide anymore, the reason she's here, the reason her parents will never love her, the reason she's a failure—monster and a failure, failure of being a monster, failure failure failure—

Wolf eyes catch avian nevertheless.

They're captivating. Beautiful in their calculation, beautiful in their efficiency.

Riley hiccoughs in her sobs. ]

But— b-but I c-can't— [ Her protests are whimpers, too soft to be real. The moment reminds her of countless nights where Cairo would talk her down, or—

Or of what she thought was a dream. Reality focuses in from the fractured kaleidoscope of her fevered memories of that night. This isn't the first time they've talked about this. This isn't the first time Mukuro has reassured her.

She remembers that now. ]

[Riley looks, despite her weak protests, and Mukuro looks back unflinchingly - though she keeps her snout angled slightly downward when she speaks again, to hide her teeth.]

Good. See, you can do it.
Just focus on me.

[She breathes in, slow and deep, filling her lungs almost entirely before starting a controlled exhale. Modeling for Riley.]

[ She can't get it right away. She lets out quick gasps instead. But she doesn't look away, not even as tears escape her eyes.

Another gasp. Another. Another...until they slow to the deep breaths Mukuro's demonstrating. ]

[Mukuro waits, eyes on Riley's all the while. She can be patient for Riley; she'd wait hours if that's what it took. It's not as though she has anything else to do - and even if she did, this is important. Riley is important.]

That's it... good, you've got it.
You're okay, Riley.

[She speaks in a low murmur, soft enough that Riley needs to stay close and focused to listen, but with more warmth in her tone than usual. It's hard to stay distant and dead when you're this close with someone, and when the situation is this close to your heart. They're still so intertwined - Riley was one of the first to break past Mukuro's usual aversion to touch, and it feels almost completely natural now to keep her arms around the harpy in her lap.]

[ It's not like Riley shies away from touch. But she's used to it being superficial. Her parents stopped holding her at a very young age. Her brother never knew how to interact with her. You have to work closely with others in sports, can't exactly be averse to getting physical—but that was all to serve a purpose. Sure, she'd high-five teammates. Get or give a quick hug from a girl on the squad. But it didn't mean anything. The only person who really gave her physical love and affection before Ryslig, that's Cairo.

But that's not true anymore here. The walls she hadn't even realized she had slowly broke over the months, eroding away with every act of care and love. It left her at the perfect place to accept Mukuro. And yet still, she didn't think she'd receive this kind of affection back.

Sobs break into her deep breaths, but she keeps going, alternating between full breakdowns and slowly resetting her panicked mind. ]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I know. It's okay.

[Mukuro murmurs back to her without any hesitation. She knows Riley can't just turn it off - when your emotions overflow that badly, you can't stop everything leaking out the broken cracks even once you calm down a little. You're stuck at reduced capacity for a while. She's had a lifetime of experience with breakdowns like this.

One hand comes up to rub Riley's back - just like the last time she'd come here to help. Just another gentle attempt to help keep her grounded, reassure her that she isn't alone.]

You're doing good. Take all the time you need, it's okay.

[ She remembers the specific way this felt. Outside the feverous delirium—how could she ever mistake Mukuro’s touch for anyone else’s? How could she mistake them for Cairo’s? They’re so distinct.

Eventually, after minutes of this, the sharp hitches are all gone. The tension in her hasn’t left, won’t leave, but that’s normal. Her body’s fully limp now, though. She’s not half-stuck. Her forehead rests against Mukuro’s shoulder. ]

…Thank you.

[Mukuro's maintained a sense of calm through all this - she had to, if she wanted to be an anchor for Riley, adrift in her feelings. But she feels much more at ease when she feels the harpy slowly relaxing, even if only by degrees. She allows herself to touch her snout to Riley's cheek, the lightest nuzzle, before she speaks again.]

Its okay. I told you... I want to help, if you need it.
I don't mind - being here.

[The opposite, in fact. It feels good to be useful - and to be gentle, rather than fierce. It's rare, and she's not as good at it. But she's trying.]

[ The soft whimpers that escape Riley's mouth are almost...appreciative. Some of Celeste's words bounce around her head like a pinball. About how she makes herself look weak and defenseless. She's never tried to do that; in fact, she's wanted very badly to be strong. To show she can take care of herself, to never bother anyone else. ]

Not— not just for this. For...that night.

[ Mukuro brought her to safety. After everything...

It makes her hold on tighter, as little she can. ]

Edited 2021-07-09 06:34 (UTC)

[Oh. Riley clinging to her makes her own embrace tighten a little. It's okay, she's not going anywhere.]

Of course.
I couldn't just leave you there; you were really sick. I was - worried.

[So much so that Mukuro had to act immediately, rather than find someone else to help. For the best, it seems.]

...I - promised. Right...?
To - to help you.
And I - it's the least I could do. To make up for - everything.

[For hurting her, for killing her, for losing control of herself and betraying Riley's trust in her.]

I— I w- was so...scared—

[ To admit this feels wrong. To open up further feels wrong. And yet, Mukuro already knows what she's tried so hard to keep hidden. She knows her biggest and greatest secret. Isn't a little vulnerability warranted?

It's obvious, what she's saying. And yet— ]

I- it- it tried- tried to- keep me calm, but it only made- made me m-more...

[ And then Mukuro killed her. And yet, despite that, Riley won't let go. It's a strange and upsetting contradiction, as her pulse still pounds when she thinks of it, of teeth descending on her and just how easily her bones shattered—but at the same time, she remembers tender care, singing to her on the beach, the smallest, most imperceptible smile.

It's complicated. It's all complicated, far more than Riley's ever let herself be, and now, now—

She's too tired to fight that. ]

[Oh, she said it. They knew, they both knew already - how could they not? - but voicing it made it so much more real. Impossible to ignore. It's so rare for anyone to open themselves up like that, but for Riley - always so tense, always trying to be perfect - it must be so much harder. Mukuro curls over Riley as much as she can, hugging her tight to her fluffy chest. There's guilt like bile in her throat, but how she feels isn't important right now - the only important thing is making sure Riley is okay. As okay as any of them can be, here.]

...I know. And I - I'm sorry, Riley, I didn't mean--

[She swallows a little, and tries again. Because she did mean to, in the end. It had been a very calculated move. Much moreso than her panicked feral fighting had been before it.]

I never wanted to - to h-hurt you. I didn't - I wasn't thinking right, I don't - I don't know. I've never felt - so panicked, n-not - not in ages, I can usually stay calm, I should've been - better.

I'm so sorry.

[ Better.

As her fingers curl into Mukuro's fur, as they grip tightly, her blood smears on the pelt for the second time in so many weeks—though this time, Riley inflicted those injuries on herself. This time, it's really her. This time, they aren't fighting one another. ]

It—[ She practically whimpers. Presses her forehead against Mukuro's chest. ] I h- hated...watching. A- again. A-and— Steve and— and Atem, wh-when they— had- had one of those things in them, it—

[ She takes just a moment, to try and get one thought clear in her head. ]

Y-you were— scared. I n-never... Never wanted...to make some- someone... T-to trick someone, like that again.

S— sorry.

[ The fear. She understands it. Having someone you trust piloted by someone else, how much it can fuck with your head. How horrified she was, when she thought she killed Steve. How much you'd do anything not to have your body taken away from you. ]

Edited 2021-08-02 05:00 (UTC)

[Ah. That's who got her, Steve or Atem - Steve had shown up half-dead when it was all over, so it had to have been Atem. Easily underestimated. It had taken her and Celeste to bring him down. Perks to being undead. Really, she's lucky harpies are more fragile--

The thought makes her sick, and she turns from it like jerking away from a hot stove. That wolf ruthlessness had kept her alive, like it had for so many years, but god, she's not used to this kind of cost. She doesn't want to get used to it. As much as it would be easier to just turn off her feelings, she knows she can't. It's so, so hard - it feels impossible, with Riley's blood and tears soaking into her fur.]

It's okay.
I know it wasn't you. You didn't want to. It's okay.

[Her voice is low and soft, thrumming in her chest. She still has the scars on the side of her muzzle and down her back, but those are so much more easily forgotten than the one across Riley's throat. Even as she murmurs reassurances, her thoughts tick along steadily, mulling over exactly what Riley had said. When she speaks again, her voice is slow and stilted with the effort of translating vague feelings into words. It's not something she's had much practice with and it shows.]

I think - that's why I - got out of control. The - the tricking.
It's not your fault. I'm not upset. But when it happened, it was like - it felt like - when I died.

Edited 2021-08-02 05:37 (UTC)

When- when you—

[ It makes sense, doesn't it? When you're reminded of them, of the horrible things that've happened to you...you panic. Riley used to only freeze whenever that happened. ...She still wishes— ]

...Mukuro, I— I'm...

[ She said she wasn't upset, but Riley can't fathom how that could be. ]

[For once, it's easy for her to tell what Riley's feeling, even though she leaves it unsaid. Riley's need to be good is something Mukuro's seen enough to remember, even if it wasn't something so close to her heart. She tucks her snout down to nose at her, murmuring softly near her feathery ear.]

I know it wasn't you. You didn't trick or hurt me. You didn't want to do - anything bad to me.

[Her body was being used against her will. Unlike Mukuro, who was (mostly) in control of herself, and knew everything she did hurt Riley as much or more than the actual target. She has to swallow back the guilt before she speaks again.]

But I - I still - hurt you. It wasn't your fault and I still hurt you. I sh-should have -

[Another little swallow.]

I should have been - more - h-humane. Or just - just let you win.

No! [ Riley tries to shake her head again, to pull back and look at Mukuro, but she just succeeds in knocking her head into Mukuro's muzzle. ] No, I— it was either gonna infect you or kill you, an- and I— don't- don't- can't do tha- that again. Can't...kill someone again.

[The snoot bonk makes her flinch, but it doesn't hurt. She's back nuzzling as soon as Riley's distress is obvious.]

S-- sorry. I'm sorry. I - Okay. I won't - I won't let you. If that's - what you want.

[Soft, nearly whispering, almost like they're just normal girls sharing secrets at a sleepover. Even while Riley bleeds into her fur, even while discussing their deaths.]

If - if something else happens - and I have to ch-choose. I won't let you.
But if it's - if you have to, it's okay, too. If I'm - not - me, I won't blame you. If you have to.

It's not g- gonna. [ Firmly, fiercely, insistent. She stays still this time, so she doesn't bop Mukuro in the nose again, or gets like...some of her feathers in her face, or something. ] I won't. It just- it just won't happen.

[ She's not giving on this point, it seems. It's her nonnegotiable point. ]

[Insisting like that, that things will be okay - it's strange, but it's very Riley. If anyone was going to force the world to be a brighter place, it'd make sense to be her. She doesn't quite smile, but her eyes are very soft as she peers into Riley's.]

...Okay.

[Even if she doesn't believe her - she knows, now, that this place will always have something new to torment them with - Mukuro can accept the fantasy. At the very least, she can accept Riley might refuse to hurt her even if she needed to. Which is - wrong, but it makes her feel warm and soft all the same.

She glances down, then back to Riley's face.]

...You hurt yourself again.
Instead of - hurting Celeste. Right...?

[ The way Mukuro looks at her makes her want to look away and not all at the same time. She ends up freezing, like she used to. It's a long moment before she answers. ]

...Um. I just... I didn't...want to l- lose...control.

[ Yes. ]

[Yeah, that's definitely a yes. Mukuro just nods, and releases her hold on Riley just so she can examine the injury.]

...Mm. I get it.
We used to do this, too.

[Quietly, absently - in her attempts to assure Riley that she isn't judging her, she hasn't realized the conspicuous 'we.']

[ But, Riley… ]

“We”…? Who…?

[ It’s…sort of deep. But frankly, it’s nothing the fog won’t heal. It seems Riley only now is starting to come back to herself, so she winces as her arm moves. Jeez, it stings. ]

[It's Mukuro's turn to freeze up a little, eyes wide as she realizes her mistake. For a moment she considers just denying it entirely. But... she knows Riley's secrets, now. It isn't fair. She doesn't want to lie to Riley.]

My - my sister. Me and my sister.

[She answers very quietly, keeping her eyes on the wound.]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 * CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY>** Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!

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cw: drugging, parasite talk

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cw: self-harm mentions

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