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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 * CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY>** Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!

main: CheeryCherry
anonymous: panthera, aed
retired: gflynn (anon)

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You have family here? Who knew someone else first who's also you? I'm so sorry, that sounds beyond horrible. I can't even begin to imagine it.

It was an old, personal thing. But it's fine. I don't have a monopoly over naming kittens after trees, after all.

[Hm. This is — he thinks he should change the subject? But Riley says she's sorry, and she seems to actually mean it. No matter how instinctively suspicious he is of this level of empathy, the likelihood of it being a lie is infinitesimally small.]

[So what the fuck does he do with that information?]

[. . .]

i was thinking alder. after the black alder tree. they live where i do.

does it

[Hm.]

it doesn't seem to bother them. so i've been trying not to let it bother me. but you think it's normal to be bothered by that?

Yes?
It's got to be awkward and uncomfortable. First of all it's not really a situation anyone would or could deal with normally so there's so little to compare it to.
And second it's like there's this whole other you who people have an impression of, one you can't even begin to understand or control because you weren't even there.
It takes the idea of having family here and just ramps it up into something even worse.

[ It's awful, isn't it? To have your family here in this situation. To...have them suffering too, of course. That has to be what she means. ]

Alder sounds like a good name for the record. Especially for a little black kitten.

thank you. that's what i'll stick with, then.

[There's a delay, as though he's trying to make a decision on something.]

i don't speak to my family anymore. we were never close. so i wouldn't have anything to compare it to anyway.

[Something about this statement seems . . . tentative? Like he's pushing a paper boat out into the water and waiting to see if it will sink.]

[ Oh. Oh, this is... ]

But you're just a kid too

I'm sorry. I know this can be complicated. You don't have to go into it, if you don't want to.

[Does he want to?]

[He thinks about this. There are two factors here: wanting and knowing better. While he knows better, he's surprised to learn that despite that, he does want to. Which makes the knowing better all the more important. It's just that . . .]

[Actually, he's tired of thinking.]

something about being beaten makes cohabitating with someone a less than enjoyable prospect if you can avoid it.

i take care of myself. [He doesn't recognize the echo.] when i don't do a good job of taking care of myself, mista helps me to remember. that's all that matters now.

[ For a long few moments, Riley stares at this. While he doesn't recognize the similarity of their words, she does. To see this, so frankly, so matter-of-fact... It's like she can't breathe.

You don't have to talk about it she said, because she never wants to talk about it. And yet.

Before she realizes it, those moments turn into minutes. She's left him waiting. ]

You shouldn't have had to experience that.
No kid should

I'm sorry. I can't imagine. Mine never touched me.

[When the response doesn't come, he assumes Riley doesn't know how to continue the conversation and has let it drop. He doesn't resent this; at least he doesn't think he does. The prickle of hurt feelings in his chest is foreign, and he doesn't examine it too closely. Instead, he deliberately refocuses, picking his little black kitten up off the floor, setting him on the bed, and explaining to him gravely that his name is Alder now. He gets his fingertip bitten for his trouble.]

[But then he does get a message back from Riley after all. It's not funny, but he laughs anyway.]

that's what i hear. my experience is limited, but from what i understand, "should" doesn't really reflect reality.

[After all, he's already started looking into Fugo. He knows just the beginnings of what's under that ugly rock, and he's already angry. The thought that he'll never get back home to finish that work makes him sick.]

there was some of that too. one hit me, the other didn't look at me. neither is better than the other. you shouldn't have had to deal with it either.

[Admittedly, he's making assumptions. But are they really assumptions when he knows he's right?]

[ And now her response goes through immediately. ]

oh no i didn't mean anything like that, just that they didnt hit me i wasn't trying to say anything more or something sorry about that
not that you should feel bad for suggesting it or anything after all it was my misunderstanding i worded that wrong

[ Admittedly, her healing arm makes it hard to type, which could be why all of this is rushed and...very unlike her usual texting habits. But. Both of them probably know that's not true. ]

I don't know what i'm saying anymore
can you ignore all that?

[Oh, Riley.]

no. sorry. but we can stop talking about it if you want to.

I'm sorry.
Please don't worry about me!!
I didn't mean to divert the conversation.

you didn't. i'm not sure what else i would even say about it. it's dealt with. they mean nothing to me.

the people i've met here who are my family are on the whole kind and understanding people. i really don't know why they want anything to do with me, if i'm being honest, but it seems like a foregone conclusion in their minds. do you ever feel a — an almost cultural divide from people who think like that? like it's normal to react that way?

[That's. A little bit of an unfair question, snuck in at the end there. A little underhanded. If not a trap, then close to it.]

[ It's such an unfair question. But. Riley doesn't want to freak out again. ]

Yes, sometimes.
I want to keep the peace often but it feels a little strange, like
I want to know what they want from me, mostly.

that’s exactly it. like i’m waiting for something bad to happen, and even if it never does i somehow can’t stop expecting it. which isn’t fair in a lot of cases. there are genuinely good people out there, supposedly, but.

[He doesn’t send a shrug emoji because he doesn’t know how, but the sense of shrug emoji is strong.]

every time i can’t help but think, what’s the catch?

There are good people.
A lot of good people.
But things just don't turn out right sometimes.

Sometimes it just feels like it's because something went wrong.

[ Because I did something wrong. She doesn't say that. ]

yes. i understand what you mean, i think.

[He thinks about the story he told her, about the dog. Strange that it already feels so relevant.]

by conventional standards, i'm a very bad person. maybe that's why i'm so bad at letting people go. i don't know.

[Yes, he does. It's the whole desperately-lonely-situation. He thinks — expects — that Riley already understands this.]

I don't think you're a bad person.

[ Very simple, to the point. If he's a bad person, after all, then...so is she. And she doesn't want to— she doesn't think she's a bad person. ]

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