isawallflower | RYSLIG; ic inbox

[ Riley walks slow to keep the sound of talons clacking on hardwood from echoing. Unlike most of the times he's come to visit, Atem isn't immediately bombarded by Maple, leaving it just the two of them right now.

God, she would love a Maple distraction right now. ]

So...why demon, this time?

[ It's not the most obvious question. But, she never got to ask why nephilim, after all. ]

[Atem shrugs!]

I had to pay Mana to end the temp early. She wouldn't cancel it, just switch...and, I figured anything would be better than what I was before.

[He...behaved like a real asshole. Forgot some very important truths. Broke promises.]

That monster type -- it really messed me up!

[ She pauses on her way to the kitchen, turning her head around at an angle that would be uncomfortable we’re she not a harpy. As she does, Atem might be able to catch sight of a few jagged lines across her right temple, mostly hidden under wisps of feathery red hair. ]

The nephilim. You became a demon to stop being a nephilim. [ Just. Making sure she’s got that right. ]

…Is, uh… Is this one better?

[ The word feels like needles pricking at the inside of her mouth. I thought you were better— No, she shouldn’t… At least his poor choices were fueled by a change in biology. Hers, on the other hand… She can’t keep blaming every misstep on the fact that she’s crazy. ]

[The amount her head can turn is always wild, always surprising -- Atem knew her as a human first, it feels like, from the other world.

Is that scar new...?]

Mm.

[A nod, affirming -- it's an answer to both. His blue tail flicks out of the way so that he can take a seat at her little kitchen-table, the one he'd hidden under when he was stuck in his travel form.]

It felt like...there was a spotlight on in my mind, all of the time, lighting up everything that happened that I didn't agree with.

[He couldn't look away, couldn't ignore it, couldn't rationalize the cost away, couldn't forget every single person who'd been hurt by monsters long enough to try to understand why it was happening.]

It's still my fault, though, for acting on the feelings I had. I was a real jerk! I'm sorry.

[A beat.]

And then I became a living sphere puzzle with a couple hundred eyes when the fog came in, and I couldn't move without feeling sick, so I traded in 20 coins to make that stop. And get my hands back. Being like this is much easier!

[ Every little thing, he couldn't brush it off... It sounds like a nightmare, honestly. For someone so used to burying everything, it's terrifying.

To say nothing of the rest of that bullshit, which has her mouth promptly drop open. ]

A living puzzle? What the... That's a nephilim thing?! Really?!

[ She'll get to the rest of it, she will, this is just- what the fuck are nephilim, a single Cassie Clare book did not prepare her for this. ]

It was the most uncomfortable fog form I've ever experienced!

Imagine a six-foot floating globe with fire in the middle, made of gold puzzle-blocks, with eyes all over the blocks' outer surface. That was me, for thirty-six hours! I still went to see the new arrivals, and I don't regret it, but...

[Ugh. If he could have been sick, he would have been sick. That much visual input from that many different sources, especially when the blocks could move independently....]

I think it was a...solar thing. As a nephilim, a lot of what I could do had to do with the sun...

[With Ra. Atem didn't miss the resemblance to the second Egyptian God Card, or the aten-disc form his halo took.]

Jeez...

[ She kind of...trails off and steps into the kitchen, busying herself with getting the proper utensils. ]

...Different...influences like that, really can change a lot.

[ Riley couldn't really go see the new arrivals, so part of her wonders what it was like. The rest of her remembers, this is...the more pressing thing to address. ]

I...was just going through a rough time. That's the answer I should've given you before.

...

[Something he'd had no idea about, of course, because he hasn't asked, he'd interrogated. He'd been so wrapped up in the theft, the broken wrist, that no answer to his question of why would have been good enough.

He makes a really, really terrible angel.

Atem's next question is asked gently, leaving the option of saying "no" wide open.]

Do you want to talk about it?

[The emphasis, slight as it is, is on "want." It's fine if "I just came back from the dead" isn't the time, or it's never the time...she doesn't owe him her story. As a demon, it's easy for him to see that their friendship isn't conditional on her reasons being good enough. But she was going through something hard, something he'll listen to -- for once in his whole life without judgment.]

[ On the tip of her tongue, there's the word yes. And yet, something holds it back. She should say it's all fine. She did the worse thing, after all, right? She was the heartless one, reacting on instinct and id, no care given—

And yet.

Riley hesitates.

And she slowly turns to look at him, wary. ]

Do you promise...never to become that thing again?

[His answer comes without hesitation.]

I swear.

[Something weird happens there that Atem doesn't seem to notice. The little eye on his forehead that's usually just a pattern of gold scales flashes, at the same time the red of his eyes glows brighter.

He's made a promise. He absolutely will not go back on it. Even if being a nephilim hadn't been so miserable for Atem by the end that he couldn't stand it, his resolve to avoid that monster type in the future has just been cemented more firmly.]

[ A long moment. ]

I fell asleep. At the start of the month. And, when I woke up...I remembered things. Things Cairo told me would happen.

[A slow nod.

He doesn't assume he knows what they are. He knows this place is a second chance for Riley, a do-over for Cairo, that Cairo's from further ahead.

Atem does assume those things are bad, though. That's a reasonable conclusion to draw.]

It hasn't happened to me yet, but I've heard of that kind of thing before...

[A gentle prompt forward. He believes her and he's listening.]

What did you remember?

The rest of the sleepover. The- retry, the second sleepover, the one I called...before I got here.

[ Does he know how that went? She doesn't recall, who she's told and who not, but— ]

I tried to get everyone to...pull together, 'cause I thought... Well, it doesn't matter what I thought, I was being crazy, it didn't work. [ Ever since Steve explained to her how much it hurts, hearing her talk about herself like that, she's been trying not to. Really. Trying to let up. But, right now, it's a little hard, not to hate herself for it. Not to think back on that which feels a lifetime ago when she's just a month out—

She can't. She can't look at the girl she was that night and be kind. ]

It didn't go well. They... I confessed. I hurt one of the other girls. I tried...to do a lot worse.

[ She's not looking at Atem. She's looking at the bowls in her cupboard. Everything's repetitive, forced. She's very glad he's not a nephilim anymore. Part of her wants him to judge her again. To condemn her. But...she doesn't want to use him like that. It feels wrong. ]

They called the cops. And I... Well that's where I was. In one of the holding areas in a...youth correctional facility.

[Youth correctional facility...

...so, jail.

Everything she did came out, she was arrested, and she was brought to jail.

Even though she's guilty of all of it, unquestionably, and it means the person she framed got out...

...it doesn't make Atem feel any better about what happened. Maybe jail's what Riley's actions say she deserves, but it's not what she needs, is it? No. No, what she needed was help from the start, and for someone to penalty game the people who took the embarrassing video that got popular in the first place. Sending her to jail might be just, but it isn't right.]

You weren't thinking right, were you? What you thought was going to work, what ought to have fixed it...didn't.

[He speaks slowly, thoughtfully.]

Sometimes, everyone else can see something won't work but you. It can be...hard, to see things from an outside perspective, when everything outside of you is all wrong.

I'm sorry it happened that way.

[A beat of quiet.]

Did you have any idea how long you'd be in for?

[Atem has no idea how American youth correction works. What kind of time would someone under 18 do after confessing to a double or triple murder, assault, framing someone else....

....it doesn't look good. Insanity pleas are a thing Atem's vaguely aware of, but...knowing what he does about Riley's parents, would they get her a lawyer who could help her with that? It seems unlikely.]

[ Now, that's a question, isn't it?

At first Riley doesn't answer. Just slowly, methodically sets down two bowls, two spoons. She's assumed, in case he wants some. The moment he set foot in her apartment, he's the guest and she should do whatever she can to host him, even though he's the one bringing a gift of comfort food. To put herself in that mode makes it easier to talk about this. Easier to listen and not freeze up. Easier to admit, with a somewhat hoarse voice: ]

No, uhm. They couldn't... You can't...process a minor for police questioning without...their legal guardian present.

[ There's proper textbook terms. She doesn't care to recall them right now. ]

Mine, they wouldn't... [ Still, she doesn't look up. ] They can't contact them. They wouldn't answer their phones.

[....

....oh.

Then, the other question he should be asking, in a slow, deliberate tone, is...]

How long were you in the holding area, before you came back here?

...Four, um... No, five days.

[ The sleepover, all that— it was about half a day, when all was said and done. A blink of the time she was asleep for. The majority of it was spent ruminating, thinking on everything that had happened. The villain defeated after the end of the story, left to rot. ]

They moved me to...a transitional room in the facility, when my... When they didn't hear back. No...contact, otherwise. Can't influence the, ahm. The perpetrator.

[Five days, almost completely alone, with no end in sight. Depending on people to help who never cared about you, who don't have a reason to get involved besides caring about you, for whom it may well be easier to just ignore it.

Atem's got memories of what that kind of isolation feels like. How hard it can be, to come out of it.

He stands, reaches out, puts a hand on Riley's upper arm, if she doesn't flinch away.]

You're never going back. Not for good!

You might dream it. You might remember more. But you'll come back here when it's over. And, even if a way to go home is eventually found...

...no one's going to make you use it.

I should have said, "welcome back." I should have said it a month ago! Sorry I didn't. I didn't take the time to understand.

[ She does flinch. But not away. Just tenses, just jumps. The touch draws her eyes back, though, just in time for Atem to see them flood with tears.

Because, he understands.

It's why it hurt so much, when he simply lashed out—Atem's always fought to understand. Even when Riley didn't want him to, even when she withdrew.

She quickly blinks the tears away and wipes her eyes with the heel of her hands. ]

It's— fine, I was- acting crazy again, after all.

[ It's fine. If she says it's fine enough, she can believe it and stop feeling hurt. Because...she has to stop feeling hurt. It'll just make everything easier if she stops feeling hurt. It's her fault for being crazy, for letting it ruin things.

It's harder not to think like that. Even if it's...okay, now. Though it's not like before. They still consume her. She doesn't know how to make them not. ]

Anyway- um. Ryslig's— it's my home now. I have to- to treat it better, but- what we talked about before... I'm not going back. I'm- never going back. Ever.

[ She hasn't said it out loud yet. She knows most of the people who make life worth it don't agree. That one day, if they can get what they want, they'll go their separate ways. She knows happiness and stability is fleeting at best. It's temporary. It's not for her— No. No, stop.

But, still, it's impossible to fight the knowledge that here is the happiest she's ever been.

How utterly depressing is that? ]

[There's a light tug on Riley's arm, where he has hold of it, when she starts to cry. If she wants to be hugged, a hug is here for her. If not, the invitation stands.

"Acting crazy." That's the second time she's said that when she's talking about things she did that don't make sense when you think about them later, periods where her control of herself is questionable.]

I...

...

...if "crazy" is doing things that don't make sense, that don't work the way you think they will and just hurt people, then I was acting pretty crazy, too.

[He saw an assault of a monster on a human and lost his mind. He couldn't think of anything but right and wrong. It had to be fixed. The scales were unbalanced. He saw how he hurt his friend, but his priorities were wrong, all wrong...

...but that's over. He won't become that again.]

It's okay for this place to be your home. It's not just you who feels like that! It never has been.

Making a working way home...no one's managed it in years. It'll take time. So, if anyone figures out how to do it before I do, then there's a good chance they'll have been here long enough to know that there are some people it wouldn't be right to force to leave. It has to allow monsters to make the choice themselves, or it's wrong!

[It just makes sense!!

But, there was Daniel. Exceptions do exist. The kinds of people who don't understand the cost. But they will.]

And, if it doesn't, but they try to do it anyway...I'll stop them myself.

[Deadly serious. There's iron in his voice, at the end -- "stop" has the cold force of a bear-trap. This is another promise, and the red of his eyes brightens a moment, like dying embers someone's blown on. Forcing Atem's friends with nothing to go back to but pain to "go home," as though that'll fix everything, is something Atem won't allow to happen. The implication's clear: though it's not an outright murder threat, Atem will stop the hypothetical project however he has to.]

Edited (ever leave out a whole prepositional phrase ) 2021-12-19 23:37 (UTC)

[ Shouldn't that feel wrong? Shouldn't that be...bad? The promise that if someone tries to do that again, to take her choice away from her, then he'll stop them.

Shouldn't it make her uncomfortable, that he would kill someone for her?

It should. But Riley's far too tired to feel bad about it anymore. All it feels is good, that someone would do something like that for her. ]

Even- even if it helps some people? So many...want to go back.

[ A hug may be too much for her right now. But she certainly doesn't pull away. Certainly doesn't even try to leave. ]

[He shakes his head. With finality:]

Nothing is worth sacrificing the life of a friend.

[Hypocrite. Not that he remembers it, deciding his own life was an acceptable cost.]

I'd never send some people back to their own worlds if the cost was your life, your future. And Mukuro's, and Lust's, and all of the others who've made a home here. People get married, Riley! It's not right to separate them without giving them a choice.

[He doesn't pull her into anything closer, but he does keep a hand on her arm.]

Some people need to go home to be happy. But their happiness doesn't matter more than yours. They can wait, until a way to do it that doesn't destroy other people's lives can be found.

[ He's right. She knows— Dr. McGuckett and Mr. Evangelisti, Cassandra and Elsa, Maya and Dandy— so many people have found happiness here that they couldn't before. It's not just her. But, still, the things he says, everything, it's— ]

My...

[ One of her hands rests on her forearm, at a layer of feathers. There's a strong, unbearable desire to pull them out one by one. To pick and pick and pick, as if it'll help. The girl is stressed, and the bird is stressed too, offering its strategies. Riley knows all that'll do is hurt, and make it impossible to hide her discomfort.

She wants to be more honest. She does. But you can't just shake a lifetime of mental conditioning with one awful month. ]

That's allowed? You said— my happiness. It matters...just as much as- as Steve's, or Giorno's, or- Yugi's.

[ Her eyes plead and search his. ]

That's really...really what you think?

[..."allowed"...?

...oh, Riley. He feels a little like his heart is going to break, as he looks back into her eyes, that are searching his for honesty.

It's been funny, getting to know her. Not in a ha-ha way, in a "nothing here is what you'd think" way. The confident enthusiasm of Riley Soelberg was one of a few shining outer layers; work hard enough to slip past them, and you'll see the center has been eaten away, leaving a girl who asks, because she's not sure, if her happiness matters as much as other friends'.

His other hand comes up to her other shoulder.

He nods, once, firmly. Yes, it's what Atem thinks. Of course it is.]

And I would never exchange one for the other.

It's something that's far too precious to trade away!

[The solution to Ryslig, when they find it, has to account for all of them, or it's no good.]

[ Allowed.

It’s impossible to shake it. She’s done horrible things. Has been a horrible person. In her attempts to make a difference, she’s made everything worse, again and again and again. She’s finally recognized her faults and flaws, and now they will not and cannot be hidden away again. They’re a big bright flashing sign for the world to see, because they’re a big bright flashing sign for her to see, and she’s tired, tired of being the only one to look at it. It was there, and she couldn’t keep her eyes from being drawn to it every day.

Riley needs help. Riley needs punishment. Both are, for her, true. At war. A contradiction she can’t reconcile.

Is she allowed? Will she get in trouble for it?

She can’t stop thinking it. Can’t.

Again she blinks back tears. Again, she can’t— think, can’t find the words to say. ]

Oh. [ So small, so vulnerable. ] …Oh- okay. Okay.

[ She’s allowed. Somehow, she’s allowed. ]

RYSLIG; ic inbox

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cw: internalized ableism

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cw: internalized ableism

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cw: more internalized ableism, intrusive thoughts

ableism/internalized ableism all up in here. sighs in 1997.

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cw brief mention of self sacrifice

cw: self-harm mentions

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 * CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY>** Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!