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[isawallflower]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 *** CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!

main: CheeryCherry
anonymous: panthera, aed
retired: gflynn (anon)

Comments

[hairday]

Okay, actually, before I say something incredibly stupid— [ And totally upset her by making a wrong assumption. ] Did you enjoy putting in all that work? Like, was there ever a time where doing any of that made you happy?

[ His expression is tight, as he has to grit his teeth to press on with what he's saying. ]

'Cause I'm not really getting that impression, Riley.

[ That story about being inspired by Cairo when she was a kid, that was cute. This isn't. This just sounds like a girl expending every bit of energy she had on something because she felt like she had to. ]

[isawallflower]

Wh- of…course I…

[ But she frowns. And she trails off, biting down on her bottom lip and thinking. Really thinking. ]

I…was happy when I first started, and I took to it. It was like…it was the first thing that felt like mine, and…it was great, having something I could do with Cairo, but…

[ She thinks back to the summer before high school and how nervous she was. She thinks back to tryouts and swearing both of them would get in. She thinks back to that bittersweet feeling, when results went up and it was just her. ]

Not…once I got to high school.

[hairday]

But you kept at it, even though it sucked and you felt like dogshit?

[ She never said that, but what would it have taken for things to play out the way they did in the story she told him, logically? Her confirmation just now is all he needed to sound surer in his suddenly harsh assessment. ]

And did you have any other hobbies, do anything else at all as a pick-me-up?

[isawallflower]

[ She feels the need to defend herself. And she almost does, to say it wasn’t like that all the time. To say she still enjoyed cheerleading, being active and physical. But, well. ]

…No. I mean- I’d listen to…podcasts or music, but… Every time I did something for myself, it was ‘cause…Cai made me.

[ She hunches her shoulders, just a little. ]

I just— it was the only thing I was ever good at, Steve. The only thing I… [ The forbidden topic. Her stomach twists in knots. ] …wasn’t immediately compared to my brother about. I thought if I quit, I…

[ Her skin feels like it’s crawling. She sighs to push back a shiver. ]

I don’t know. I know it all sounds stupid.

[hairday]

That's not what I'm trying to say.

[ He lets out a dragging sigh as she self-deprecates; it's hard to listen to. ]

It's not stupid. You're not stupid. Your team, they're not what's stupid, either. Your family fucked you up. [ And this is the point in his rambling where he starts to sound a little incensed. ] Yeah, if it weren't for them, I bet you wouldn't be thinking like that, like... like you have to be perfect at something for it to matter, yeah?

[ He gesticulates a little helplessly. ]

You'd know how to cut yourself some slack.

[isawallflower]

[ She's sat here, and she's listened, today and last night, and yet, despite it all, it's only now, as his words just star pouring out, that she realizes: ]

You're...angry for me?

[hairday]

Yeah?

[ He leans back and looks down at his lap, as if he hadn't even realized that fact yet himself.

All he'd wanted to do was try to point out that maybe she wouldn't be so in the dumps about all of this if she let herself try other hobbies. That basing her entire perception of her own worth on one, single thing that wasn't really in any one person's control was, maybe... you know, bad from the start?

And now they're here. ]

Yeah, I guess I am.

[isawallflower]

[ Riley lets out a slight puff of a hum. It's another first. ]

No one's ever... [ And she trails off.

It was unspoken, with her and Cairo. A few hints here and there, but they never really talked about it. Riley knew her family wasn't like other families, on some level, but. There's things you just don't talk about.

Some things you learn to accept and put away and not get jealous, or mad, or upset.

Here Riley was, expecting what she'd consider a scolding, but instead receiving this. ]

...I think you're right. I was...never this bad, in the other world. Like...in all the memories we have. It wasn't until everything started...going sideways, that I...

[ Started repeating old forgotten habits. Getting obsessive. Killed Aunamee in a haze. ]

[hairday]

[ He nods.

It sure seems that way. It seems that way to him, when he has a better perspective than most. One of his last memories from their other life was of Riley purposefully skipping school to go see her favorite radio drama actress—and consequently skipping cheer practice, too.

If this Riley had even thought about doing that, he feels like her nerves would have just gone Chernobyl on her on the spot. ]

I just hope you can see that Cairo had the right idea.

[isawallflower]

I think I can?

[ A sort of half-smile comes to her lips, the sort made not when you’re happy but when you’re uncomfortable. ]

I just… I wanted to make them proud of me. Or…or even like me. My mom always said something about…how if you weren’t talented, you had to work all that much harder, and I… I guess I have to try and…stop thinking like that.

[ It’s easier said than done. But, maybe this is a start. ]

[hairday]

[ ...he really — really hates her parents. His jaw is squared and his fists are clenched like he's ready to fight even if all he's doing is sitting against a wall with a computer still in his lap.

He breathes out, pushing through the anger to give her the look of sympathy she actually needs. ]

If you try, I'll be proud of you.

cw: abuse logic

[isawallflower]

[ To her, it's just...something she didn't talk about before. Something she wasn't allowed to talk about. Something that was so natural to her that it seeped into how she did everything, how she talked to herself, but something she had enough sense to never ever say out loud—because she had to be perfect, her family— perfect.

It's scary to say right now. But Steve's looking at her in a way her own parents—or her own brother—never did. That helps. Like a soothing balm on ancient burns. ]

...Okay. Then...I'll try.

[ Steve being proud of her is better. It's better than anything her parents have ever made her feel. ]