isawallflower | RYSLIG; ic inbox

[Lila has been waiting. Watching. Seething. Silent and angry and alone, for not very long at all except in the ways that it's felt like an eternity. Her anger is too big. It feels as though she's going to explode. Every day of her life there's been anger in her, but not like this, not like this. But she can handle it. She can. No matter how upset she is, she can control it.]

[Until the post goes up.]

[She watches it for a while. Goes and eats someone, then comes back and watches it for a while longer. Mukuro is there, but so are many other people coming to Riley's defense. And every ugly thing she's thought over the last few days rises up in her throat all over again.]

[Frankly, it's a miracle she's waited this long. There's been a reprieve, something she's not known to give — but not for Riley. For Steve, for Mukuro, for the sense of common decency that she's trying very hard to become acquainted with. But her ears have been ringing with rage for so long that she can't hear her own reason, and more than that, she's lost all will to care.]

[When she rises from the floor into Riley's room, she doesn't look like the cheerful gray shape that mimicked the bonfire at the beach. She looks like a hole in the world, eyes narrowed to slits, mouth a thin line, gash in her throat widening like a second maw, hungry for the world. Everything that is her body shivers and flickers, bits and pieces flashing out of existence like dead pixels; the air tastes like metal all around her.]

Hi, Riley. We need to talk.

Edited 2021-09-15 05:23 (UTC)

[ Riley's not sleeping, when Lila phases through the floor. It's quiet, so for a moment, she doesn't realize she's not alone. She simply sits on her bed in the dark, dressed in a nightgown but clearly having given up on sleep. She rests her chin on her knees. She stares ahead at nothing—

Until her eyes catch Lila's, moments before she verbally makes her presence known.

Her eyes widen and she jerks lightly back. ]

Lila?! What... What're you...doing here?

I just told you.

[Her voice is . . . calm. Weirdly even and weirdly calm. Which is funny, because Lila rarely sounds calm. Most of the time there's a bitter, sarcastic tone to her voice. Not infrequently, she's angry and doesn't take care to hide it. On rare occasions, there's no emotion in her voice at all. But she hardly ever sounds calm.]

[Maybe a better word for it is resolved.]

I'm going to need you to listen better than that while I'm speaking. I know a lot of people have said a lot of really nice things to you, but it's me here right now, Riley, and I need your attention.

Are you listening?

[ No, that's not—

Her throat closes up. Her heart pounds. It's been a day since she made that post, and she's a little less completely exhausted. But still, this is a little...frightening.

Riley nods quickly, eyes wide in the dark.

Lila's scary in a way Aunamee could never be. ]

[Under other circumstances, Lila would feel victorious about that. She'd probably smile, showing all her teeth. But this isn't a game. This is real. She's not going to play with her food right now.]

[So she just nods. Good. Draws in a breath, the edges of her flickering, skittering, real-and-then-not.]

You need . . . to learn to clean up your own fucking messes.

[If Riley even opens her mouth, Lila holds up a hand. No.]

You have half the town at your back calling for blood on your behalf. Good for you. Here's the thing, though. Somebody's already suffered from your careless mouth. You know who I'm talking about. Do you know why?

[ She does start to open her mouth. She does—

She listens. She forces her mouth shut, until she's asked a question. That's how it works. ]

...Because she wanted to protect me.

Wrong.

[Dispassionate, like she was expecting this response. Which she was. Because that's what Mukuro wants Riley to believe — but it's not that simple. It never is.]

She wants to protect you, sure. But there are ways she could have protected you without putting herself in danger. She could have gotten together with one of the, what, dozen people on this floor who think you're hot shit and gone after that guy?

The reason Mukuro didn't wait for any of them, and this is a real life hack so pay attention, is this.

Mukuro could not give a shit what happens to her. I don't know how you somehow don't know that. But that girl doesn't fight for herself. The people who pay attention to her, who give her the time of day, she would do anything for them. She would do any-fucking-thing. Do you think she went in half-cocked like that because she knew her eye would grow back if she lost it? No. She did that because she absolutely could not be fucked how many eyes or senses or limbs she loses because she does not, Riley, fucking care if she's okay.

But you don't get that, do you? Riley was upset, so Riley told Mukuro about her sad sad life where someone was mean to her without thinking about the consequences, about Mukuro's sad sad life and Mukuro's feelings and what Mukuro might do. Because everybody feels so sad for Riley, and Riley doesn't have to be careful with anyone else — everyone has to be careful with her. And none of this is her fault! Good for her. Must be nice.

Mukuro would make herself into a shag rug for you and say thank you. All you had to do was tell her not to do anything. But you didn't think about that. You thought about you.

Edited 2021-09-15 06:18 (UTC)

[ No, Mukuro- promised. Riley wants to speak up. To tell Lila she's not the only one who cares about Mukuro. She feels herself furious—

But then that fire's mixed with cold, horrid ice.

Mukuro insisted. She could've shut her out again. She's good at that. I didn't tell her to do that. She didn't tell her not to do it, either. You're a fucking bitch who doesn't know a fucking thing about me. Sure. But it doesn't mean she's not right.

When Lila finishes, Riley stares at her with dark, hard eyes. ]

You're right. I didn't think. I fucked up. I fucked it all up. I know. It is my fault. I started all this. I'm the reason Mukuro got hurt. I've seen her...I've heard her...talk about this. But I didn't think. It's my fault, Lila. It's my fucking fault...so do whatever you want to do to me and get it over with.

[She watches Riley. Listens, watches, deliberates. There's a moment, a long tense moment, where it's not really clear what she'll do.]

[And then she snorts. Her body settles down to something like smoldering, slowly flickering flame-like movements, as close to relaxed as she's going to get for at least a week.]

You'd really like that, huh? If I hurt you somehow so you could find a way to make me the bad guy. Two problems with that. If I wanted to hurt you, I wouldn't have waited for permission. It'd be done, and I'd be gone. And two, I'm a bitch, but I'm not enough of a bitch to make myself feel better by kicking your ass when I know it would make her feel worse.

Let me be totally clear here. You have your own shit, and I know that. Whatever that shit is, grow a spine. You're responsible for yourself and the people around you, especially people like Mukuro. You don't get to take this as an excuse to shut down and stop talking to her or hide or whatever. If you want to tell her I came here, go right ahead. Tell whoever you want about how mean I was to you. I absolutely could not give a fuck as long as you keep your shit in check and think about what you say before you say it. I'd rather Mukuro never talk to me again than walk in to see her looking like that again when she didn't need to.

I'm used to being the bitch everybody hates. What I'm not used to doing is giving people second chances. This is yours. It's up to you what you want to do with it.

[ Riley doesn't realize she's standing until she is. That's a weird way to put it. What she doesn't realize is how her body's moving. She doesn't realize that she's not huddled on the bed anymore. ]

You really think I like this? You think I like being useless, being the constant— [ She cuts herself off. ] I don't- need a second chance from you, Lila. That's not why I'm- gonna be more careful with her. I know what I deserve, and I know it's not her. You don't have to tell me.

[ She's acutely aware of her claws. She's aware...that they're sharp and she doesn't know how shades work, but she could probably get a good swipe in. She's aware—

That she can't think about that. That she's no closer to "better" than she ever has been. That she's the bigger monster between the two of them. She thinks about what Mukuro said, about Danny (...about that doctor she was talking about) thinking they'd manipulate others because that's how he operates. Of course she'd think Lila would hurt her, when she hurts others.

She's angry.

But she knows she deserves this. Should deserve a lot more. ]

[Riley moves. Lila doesn't. It's clear from her unchanging expression that she has no fear in this situation. Riley is bigger than her, stronger than her, weighs more. But Riley is weak — not in the body but in the heart. She won't do what she wants to do. And if she does, well.]

[Unless she can crunch up all the bones in Lila's body at once, it won't feel like much, comparatively.]

[Still, she appears to consider what Riley's said for a moment, folding up her legs criss-cross in midair as she ponders.]

You know, maybe you're right. Maybe you don't realize you like it. Need it? Not sure. Maybe you're not even doing it on purpose. It'd be better if you were, though. Like right now, this self-pitying thing? Oh-I-don't-deserve-her? You said that, not me. All I told you was do better. You deserve her because she picked you. She cares about you.

Do you really not hear yourself playing wounded? [Is she honestly just another Cassel? Or does that make her worse — someone so lacking in self-awareness that they hop around faking limp like a sad little bird, entirely unaware that they can walk just fine?]

I'm not—

[ Her voice starts to raise. She catches herself as it cracks. As her eyes shine. She wants to hurt her. She wants to cry. She wants to throw herself out of the window until it sticks and no one would have to ever worry about her again. She wants nothing but to be worried about. She wants to carve every single undesirable feeling out of herself and become that ideal girl.

is it a good thing that i don't pretend as much anymore? i thought it was. normal people don't hide all the time.

She wants to take back all the advice she gave Giorno and vanish into the lie. ]

Get out of here. Get out of my room.

[Later, maybe she'll think about it. What made her come at this the way she did. Why this had to be Riley's fault. Part of it's simple, of course. It can't be Mukuro's. Even the part that is — well. She's already paid her pound of flesh. She'll learn, or she won't. Unfortunately, Lila's got no choice in the matter of caring or not caring. She doesn't know how to unhitch that wagon.]

[It's not so hard to figure out why she stayed, though. She could have left a couple of minutes ago, once it was clear Riley understood her point. She could have just fucking texted her. It's not that she wanted to hurt her, although that was part of it. No, it's . . .]

[The thing is—]

[She wanted to know. She just wanted to know, really, if the feelings of frustration she's had about Riley even in milder moments were just her imagination or if there really was something there. Riley is a contradiction, a mess of nerves and standards and opinions that don't quite match up. To Lila, who has long lost the ability to obfuscate her feelings, let alone the desire, it feels like deceit.]

[So: is Riley a liar? Maybe. Maybe Riley's just pathetic. A pathetic little girl. Not even a villain, just a girl who doesn't know what she wants, who can't stand up for herself, who doesn't know how much damage she can do by wallowing in self-pity and vacillating in indecision. Just another sad kid unwilling to save herself.]

[What would Lila have done if it had been her? It doesn't matter, because Lila would have done it. She can't conceive of a reason why someone wouldn't handle their business themselves. She doesn't understand the world Riley comes from. She doesn't understand, and she has no interest in understanding. What she knows for certain is that by coming here, she's built the first bricks of a tower that will slowly close over her. Just like back home, she'll be alone in the end. But there are some people, in her opinion, who are worth that.]

[Riley tells her to get out, and she vanishes through the floor like she was never there.]

[ The moment Lila's gone from her room, Riley's strings snap and she sinks to her knees. She bites down every single tear until she's silent. If she's too loud, maybe Cairo will hear. Maybe Atem, through the wall. She can't have that. Don't look at her. She can't have anyone look at her.

Can't have anyone look at this pathetic child who can't do anything for herself.

She stays like that for awhile, not even bothering to fight off the poison inside her. Not what she's heard from others, not what she's told herself. Every single internalized thought sits with her. Maybe Daniel was just a danger to her. Maybe she should've just kept it all in. Maybe she should've just gone herself and let him kill her. Maybe it would've fixed everything. She has to fix it. Fix it.

(She's just like him, just like Aunamee, where did she go wrong, when did she become this—)

She stays like that for a long time. Until she falls asleep on the floor of her bedroom, hands clutching at her temples. One last thought consumes her as she does, and it's strange and funny. But, maybe it's because she's tried so hard to stop— no, what was it Giorno said?

...To kill it. That disgusting thing.

Swallowing her sobs into her until it feels like she's going to choke, in this moment, she's never felt more like a little kid. ]

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action, late night 9/15

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cw suicidal ideation, eye gore, victim blaming (??)

cw: victim blaming (??) continues, intrusive thoughts

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cw: dissociation, intrusive thoughts, violent urges

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cw: suicidal ideation, self-harm imagery

cw homicidal ideation, ableism

cw: suicidal ideation...again......

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 * CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY>** Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!