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[isawallflower]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 *** CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!

main: CheeryCherry
anonymous: panthera, aed
retired: gflynn (anon)

Comments

[gitanes]

[Riley moves. Lila doesn't. It's clear from her unchanging expression that she has no fear in this situation. Riley is bigger than her, stronger than her, weighs more. But Riley is weak — not in the body but in the heart. She won't do what she wants to do. And if she does, well.]

[Unless she can crunch up all the bones in Lila's body at once, it won't feel like much, comparatively.]

[Still, she appears to consider what Riley's said for a moment, folding up her legs criss-cross in midair as she ponders.]

You know, maybe you're right. Maybe you don't realize you like it. Need it? Not sure. Maybe you're not even doing it on purpose. It'd be better if you were, though. Like right now, this self-pitying thing? Oh-I-don't-deserve-her? You said that, not me. All I told you was do better. You deserve her because she picked you. She cares about you.

Do you really not hear yourself playing wounded? [Is she honestly just another Cassel? Or does that make her worse — someone so lacking in self-awareness that they hop around faking limp like a sad little bird, entirely unaware that they can walk just fine?]

cw: suicidal ideation, self-harm imagery

[isawallflower]

I'm not—

[ Her voice starts to raise. She catches herself as it cracks. As her eyes shine. She wants to hurt her. She wants to cry. She wants to throw herself out of the window until it sticks and no one would have to ever worry about her again. She wants nothing but to be worried about. She wants to carve every single undesirable feeling out of herself and become that ideal girl.

is it a good thing that i don't pretend as much anymore? i thought it was. normal people don't hide all the time.

She wants to take back all the advice she gave Giorno and vanish into the lie. ]

Get out of here. Get out of my room.

cw homicidal ideation, ableism

[gitanes]

[Later, maybe she'll think about it. What made her come at this the way she did. Why this had to be Riley's fault. Part of it's simple, of course. It can't be Mukuro's. Even the part that is — well. She's already paid her pound of flesh. She'll learn, or she won't. Unfortunately, Lila's got no choice in the matter of caring or not caring. She doesn't know how to unhitch that wagon.]

[It's not so hard to figure out why she stayed, though. She could have left a couple of minutes ago, once it was clear Riley understood her point. She could have just fucking texted her. It's not that she wanted to hurt her, although that was part of it. No, it's . . .]

[The thing is—]

[She wanted to know. She just wanted to know, really, if the feelings of frustration she's had about Riley even in milder moments were just her imagination or if there really was something there. Riley is a contradiction, a mess of nerves and standards and opinions that don't quite match up. To Lila, who has long lost the ability to obfuscate her feelings, let alone the desire, it feels like deceit.]

[So: is Riley a liar? Maybe. Maybe Riley's just pathetic. A pathetic little girl. Not even a villain, just a girl who doesn't know what she wants, who can't stand up for herself, who doesn't know how much damage she can do by wallowing in self-pity and vacillating in indecision. Just another sad kid unwilling to save herself.]

[What would Lila have done if it had been her? It doesn't matter, because Lila would have done it. She can't conceive of a reason why someone wouldn't handle their business themselves. She doesn't understand the world Riley comes from. She doesn't understand, and she has no interest in understanding. What she knows for certain is that by coming here, she's built the first bricks of a tower that will slowly close over her. Just like back home, she'll be alone in the end. But there are some people, in her opinion, who are worth that.]

[Riley tells her to get out, and she vanishes through the floor like she was never there.]

cw: suicidal ideation...again......

[isawallflower]

[ The moment Lila's gone from her room, Riley's strings snap and she sinks to her knees. She bites down every single tear until she's silent. If she's too loud, maybe Cairo will hear. Maybe Atem, through the wall. She can't have that. Don't look at her. She can't have anyone look at her.

Can't have anyone look at this pathetic child who can't do anything for herself.

She stays like that for awhile, not even bothering to fight off the poison inside her. Not what she's heard from others, not what she's told herself. Every single internalized thought sits with her. Maybe Daniel was just a danger to her. Maybe she should've just kept it all in. Maybe she should've just gone herself and let him kill her. Maybe it would've fixed everything. She has to fix it. Fix it.

(She's just like him, just like Aunamee, where did she go wrong, when did she become this—)

She stays like that for a long time. Until she falls asleep on the floor of her bedroom, hands clutching at her temples. One last thought consumes her as she does, and it's strange and funny. But, maybe it's because she's tried so hard to stop— no, what was it Giorno said?

...To kill it. That disgusting thing.

Swallowing her sobs into her until it feels like she's going to choke, in this moment, she's never felt more like a little kid. ]