RYSLIG; ic inbox

[isawallflower]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 *** CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!

main: CheeryCherry
anonymous: panthera, aed
retired: gflynn (anon)

Comments

<teslacoils> cw addiction

[terribibble]

[Hooooo boy. Now it's his turn to leave a message sitting while he hems and haws. He's been more public with it lately -- he was as public as he's ever been on the very post Riley has been referencing -- but look where that got him! That post was a disaster that sent him into a tailspin and now here he is standing on the edge of another one.]

To get real technical I liked you already before Daniel did what he did.

[That's not going to get him out of it. God dammit. Fuck.]

You read that post, right? So you know I have real bad trouble with my memory.

I did that to myself. I have

had

a machine the prunes out memories, whatever memory you want, gone, and it did this to me and it only gets worse the longer I use it. And this world, this Ryslig, is the only reality I've ever been in where I stop. And I'm scared every day I'm going to start again, so I have to push those other lives out, so I'm not

So it doesn't tempt me. Because I know I will if I can find a reason to justify it. I have to disentangle myself from that life and that person because if I don't it's going to kill me. It's not you. I promise.

<CheeryCherry> cw: addiction talk, intrusive thoughts, suicidal allusions

[isawallflower]

[ This is...a lot to read over. A lot to process and understand. It's too much for Riley, in her current state. She says— she clarifies— ]

i talked to you there

[ Before going over the rest. Something to take the memories out of your head, selectively? Wouldn't that be fucking wonderful? Forgetting what an awful person you are. Forgetting any bad thing. Wiping it away, all the sins all the fuck ups, leaving yourself just a shell because you can't do anything right


She's shivering before she realizes it. Trying to force the thoughts from her mind. Those are the ones she wants to eliminate. ]

so you don't
actually hate me?

[ Why can't you just stop part of her wants to ask. Like how she wanted to demand of Farrah, of Chess. Of her parents, the few times they were home. But the last few months have started to make it harder to think like that anymore. Just stop. Just stop. She...can't just stop. As much as she tells herself. Does that make her like them? Another failure; you're the problem, you should've cut yourself out—

It's bad today. It's worse than it's been in weeks. ]

you dont hate me?

< teslacoils >

[terribibble]

I don't hate you. I promise you I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true.

<CheeryCherry>

[isawallflower]

i cant


he killed my dad
i didnt know what else to do

<teslacoils>

[terribibble]

[Of course he did.

He doesn't say 'nobody is going to judge you for killing Aunamee when he pretty much stands there with his arms open wide and says come and get me'. He figures she already knows that and that it isn't really addressing the actual problem.]

Is that what bothers you about it? Feeling like violence was the only option you had?

<CheeryCherry>

[isawallflower]

[ Her heart pounds. No. Yes. Sort of. But she can't explain it, she can't explain it without explaining it and she doesn't want to do that, she never wants to do that, but everyone keeps asking, and this is why she stopped talking to people— ]

i dont know
yes

i cant do this right now

<teslacoils>

[terribibble]

[... yeah. Right. He did the thing again, the thing where he dives into trying to fix before perhaps it's really a good idea. Whatever this is must still be pretty raw. He's not helping poking at it.

Come on, Fiddleford. Do better.]

That's alright. You don't have to.

Just, you know. Door. Open. Like I said.

<CheeryCherry>

[isawallflower]

[ No response comes for a good long while. In fact, it doesn’t come until the next morning, after Riley’s had a good long time to cool down and just breathe. ]

Thank you, Dr. McGucket.
I was so out of sorts yesterday that I forgot to say that.
Sorry.

[ The raw, panicked pleading is gone, replaced with her usual composed typing. Her mask is, in many ways, back on. But the sentiment expressed is genuine. ]

<teslacoils>

[terribibble]

No need to apologize. I ought to apologize to you, if anything. I just complicated things more.

[He's hoping someone a little bit less prone to shoving their whole foot in their mouth got to her. He has to imagine Erin-- Eridanus-- was there at some point.]

Are you feeling any less out of sorts?

<CheeryCherry>

[isawallflower]

A little.
I think I'm going to try and stay in for a little while, though.