isawallflower | RYSLIG; ic inbox

[Upon seeing this thread play out for a bit on the network, Mukuro decides it's time to step in.]

are you at home?
this is mukuro.

[ It's a regular parade, isn't it. ]

i'm here yeah

ok
i'm coming over.

[And that is all the warning Riley gets before there's a gentle knock at her door.]

[ Riley has enough time to type out what? before the knock sounds through her apartment. It's so soft, and yet to Riley it sounds like someone slamming on the door. Breaking it down.

No. No, why didn't she just not respond? She used to be so good at that. Just let the people closest to her keep reaching and reaching until they realize she's not going to take their hands. She sits on her couch, huddled in a blanket, her laptop in front of her on the table. Countless feathers lay around her, both ones she's shed through molting and ones she's ripped out of her arms, legs, anything she could reach. It's easy.

A lump rises in her throat.

She can't speak. Won't stand. She just buries her face in her knees. ]

[Mukuro allows some time - she understands Riley's anxious, she knows it might take some time to work herself up to answering - but after a little more than a few minutes tick by, she sighs a little before murmurming to the closed door.]

...Riley, I can pick locks.

[ A slightly shrill, strangled voice cries out: ] What?!

[Ah. Uh. That wasn't the right way to phrase that, was it. Hm.]

...Riley, it's okay.
I just - want to help. I promise.

[But she really doesn't think being alone is good, right now, and she can and will let herself in if she has to.]

[ The same voice, the same tone, only more wet: ] You can't!!

[ It's much softer, maybe too soft, when she murmurs a follow-up. ]

N-n- no one c-can.

[...Okay, that's crying, and that's making something in Mukuro's chest feel tight. She has to do something.

She leans against the door, speaking in a low, even tone.]

...Riley.
I understand. I've done - a lot of bad things.
You're not - alone. Okay...?

[ Riley keeps staring at the messages on her laptop. So many people are asking to help her. But— but she's just going to hurt them. They're just going to hurt her. She's afraid of— ripping them apart and— opening up because— if you show pain you're imperfect, who could ever love some defective thing like you, worthless worthless worthless—

In a moment of reckless impulse, she grips her head, tightly. It hurts. Everything hurts. She drags her hands down her face, to push the thoughts back, but her claws run over her skin, leaving red lines, small drops of blood seeping out where she presses too hard. She doesn't stop. ]

Mmm— I can't... I can't— [ She lets out a small gasp. She's going to hurt you. They're all going to hurt you. They don't get it. They'll never get it. Stop wasting it. You're wasting it. You have to do it on your own, you have to fix it, you have to fix it, you have to— ] Mmmnnn...! C- c-c- can't...!

[ She's not standing up. Unfortunately, to get inside, Mukuro may have to pick that lock. ]

[She gives it a beat, then another, but when she hears the growing panic it's enough to force her hand. She pulls a pin from her hair and manages to pop open the apartment door's flimsy lock in record time, then slips in and closes it behind her with a silent little wish that Riley won't be too mad at her for this --

But the second she sees the blood all of that drops out of her head entirely, and Mukuro is moving across the floor to the couch without a second thought.]

Riley--

[It's nothing but a low little whisper, more to herself than anything. As soon as she's in range she reaches for Riley's hands, completely heedless of the damage those talons could possibly do to her if the harpy chose to use them - because Riley is hurting herself and Mukuro has seen so many, many scenes like this before and even with her purpose taken away she knows she would always rather take the pain for them instead.]

Don't, you're bleeding, let me -

[ Riley twitches as Mukuro's hands grab her own, looking up with a little gasp. Thankfully, it doesn't look like she's done much actual damage to herself, just some superficial scratches and a few bloody lines. Like ones from her cat, except larger.

The gasping continues, as she's fully hyperventilating. It's a little hard for her to see through her tears, but this is...almost a familiar scene. Almost, someone trying to help her, for her own good, doing what's— best for her—

She sniffles and gasps out just one word, a name: ] Cai—

[ —isn't here. You chased her away. It's true, it's true, she knew— she knew what would happen if her best friend knew, and she just kept pushing and pushing, the one person, the only person who'd ever been there, the only one who really loved—

"You are nothing, you have nothing, without me!"

Even before she killed Chess and Farrah (and Clark?)—she was already nothing...wasn't she?

Her hands tremble. Her whole body trembles. All she's been doing is delaying the inevitable. Back home? What a joke. Weakly, she tries to pull away, to hide her face, to do something to get away like she always does.

Near one of the couch corners, in a little nest of stray feathers, her nimble orange cat watches the scene with wide green eyes. They match, like that. ]

[The word is meaningless to her, so she discards it. She can't waste time trying to solve pointless mysteries - all her focus is on the girl in front of her and figuring out how to help.

Mukuro doesn't have a magic voice. She can barely handle her own emotions, let alone other people's. She doesn't have that innate ability to care for others, not like she knows she's supposed to. But Riley helped her, when she didn't have to. Riley asked, listened, cared about some stranger - some worthless dead terrorist who deserved anything but compassion. Riley is this broken over so few lives when Mukuro has taken hundreds or more.

What she does have is her body, here in this moment, and the physical strength to stop this girl from tearing lines into herself. So after only a second's hesitation, she slips her arms around Riley. It's less like a hug and more like - bracing, like guarding, like maybe she can stop her from shaking apart.]

Riley - it's okay.

[Her voice is low and soft, not quite as monotone but nowhere near panic. Her breathing is slow and even, and Riley's held close enough against her to hear it.]

You're all right. Just try to breathe.
I've got you, okay...?

[ Holding her. Keeping her safe.

"It's okay, Riley. I've got you. Just focus on me."

Riley's gasping breaks into more wet, pained sobs. If she really tried, she could throw Mukuro off her; despite her superior skills, Mukuro is still human, and Riley is fully a monster, with all the strength that entails. Even with how much she's exhausted herself, how little air she's been taking in from the panic attack, her legs (drawn up to her chest, talons ripping into the couch) could easily kick out and push her away. She could hurt her. She could push everyone away, just like always.

But, god, she's so tired. For once pushing everyone away would be more effort, and even though she has to work— does she really want to?

Her head hangs on Mukuro's shoulder. They're relatively the same build, but Riley's half a foot shorter. It means she's crying on her, as her arms, pinned to her sides, keep twitching. She can't speak, can't stop herself, but she doesn't fight it. That's the best she can do, for now. Just lean into it, like she's the shy, scared little girl she tried to leave behind. ]

[She knows Riley could stop her, if she wanted to - could maim or kill her, easily. Those wickedly sharp talons, the monstrous strength, all of it could be turned on her in an instant. But she knew that, accepted it, when she first moved towards her. If she dies, she'll come back. That's what Komaeda had told her. So - it doesn't matter. She doesn't matter.

Mukuro has never really been nurturing - except with one person, her one person, and she can draw on that well of experience to muddle her way through this. Riley isn't Junko, she's not at all like her, but she's - important, and she's hurting, and that's close enough.]

It's okay. You're not alone.

[She's murmuring to her, low and soft and soothing, as best she can. After a moment, she brings one hand up a little higher, adjusts so it's slightly more of a hug than a restraint attempt - Riley's not fighting her, she can soften the embrace a little. She can feel the damp against her shirt, tears and blood, and it's so depressingly familiar she has to close her eyes and take a breath before she can continue.]

I've got you, and I'm staying. I promise.

[ When Riley was a kid, Cairo held her face in her hands and told her not to let the other kids couldn't know they got to her. That she couldn't let them see her cry. I'm the exception, she'd said. What that meant to Riley was she was safe there. The only place she'd ever been safe, been loved.

The other life memories complicated that. Gave her another source to take from. Still, the tactile sensation...it's not there. Not as much. It's hazy. She's had multiple people hold her, here. Tell her it's okay. But she's not used to it. And it's— it's different, somehow. She can't understand it. But it is.

So the words crush her and melt her all at once. Her arms twist, and she awkwardly grabs Mukuro around the middle. She's been nothing. It's good, to be...something again.

Riley lets out a soft whimper. She almost says something, but it gets caught on her tongue, and in the tears. It's all too much...but what her sudden clingy body language says is: Don't let go. ]

[A breath escapes her as Riley's arms wrap around her - part from the squeeze but mostly from the relief. She's doing good. She's doing something right, she's helping. Even if it's just a little bit. And the response is, thank god, clear and easy to understand. Nothing to guess or risk, not like spoken words. Bodies are honest, and Mukuro has always been better in tune with nonverbal language.

But she knows how it can get, with the static in your head - she remembers, how much having something else to focus on helps. So Mukuro ducks her head, the better to murmur right by Riley's ear.]

It's okay, Riley.
I'm staying here. With you.

[And stay she does. If this goes on long enough, she'll sink slowly to the couch, sit with her rather than lean over her - but she won't let go of Riley no matter what.]

Edited 2021-05-04 00:55 (UTC)

[ Mukuro's soft voice right at Riley's pointed, feathery ear sends a rippling wave of shivers up her spine. So close. So incredibly close, in way she doesn't let herself be with people. It urges her to cling tighter. To try and readjust her arms so the positioning is better.

And...she stays like that, for awhile. She doesn't know how long. Until the clinging and crying stops and she just lets the tension seep from her muscles. It's mostly from exhaustion, not actual relaxation. At some point, she wonders if Mukuro's arm has fallen asleep. It's around that time that Riley starts to realize her breathing's slowed. ]

I... [ Her voice cracks, even though it's barely a whisper. ] 'm s- sorry. Sorry.

[Mukuro is very good at waiting.

She thinks about hours spent stretched across a rooftop. Heat radiating off the concrete, sweat sticking her bangs to her face, the weight of a long-barreled rifle in her hands. Still but for her breathing, for as long as it took for her target to appear. This is - not easier, but more comfortable, and it feels more important, too. So. She waits, for as long as it takes. For Riley's breathing to even out, for the tears to stop, for her shaking to still as she relaxes.]

It's okay. You don't need to - apologize to me.

[Her low voice comes in response only a beat after Riley speaks.]

You helped me, remember...?
I want to be here. I chose to.

[She repeats Riley's wisdom back to her, soft and sure. After a moment, she allows herself to move, just to rub idle circles along Riley's back. Her next sentence is slightly more stilted, a phrase she almost never used:]

...Do you want to - talk about it?

[ The last time someone rubbed her back like this, between her large wings that could stretch the whole span of the couch if she wanted them to, it was Steve—first at the Iskall Resort, where she freaked out at just a single glass of wine and he took her away from the crowds, the mingling. The first person to remove her from a situation since Cairo. It's almost funny, thinking back, because then, she'd thought she...liked him. Like, liked him.

Now the thought of even being perceived like that makes her want to puke. Still, it reminds her, and...the feelings, how warm it felt. She remembers that. Almost like she's feeling it again.

...Oh, no. Steve, did he see too? What would he think, would he be afraid of her? Would he think she's dangerous?

Still trembling a little, only not crying from lack of tears to cry, she sniffles. ]

N- I don't... [ Her voice cracks again. ] I just...wanted to fix it.

[ Fix it. The words leave her mouth naturally. It's how she's been thinking about it all for...for a long, long time. But now, it scares her. ]

[Mukuro takes a slow breath in, holds, releases. It's - wrong. It feels slimy and wrong to not confess her own sins, but it's not about her, right now, and she doesn't want to burden Riley any more than she already is. So she tucks those feelings aside, like carefully sealing a box full of scorpions. She'll deal with it later.

For now, she just keeps rubbing Riley's back.]

I believe you.

[Soft, monotone. Something stable to hang on to.]

What happened...?

[ I went crazy and murdered two of my teammates, I sent an innocent girl to prison, I've been lying for months and months and I've lost the chance to make anything useful of it— ]

He... D-did- d-d-d- did anyone...t-tell you, about the... About what h- happened...in March?

[ Every word feels cracked and broken as she drags them out. Each feels like it's cutting her open, like every moment is bleeding her dry. Riley Williams is so avoidant in explaining this part of her that every step closer claws up her throat and leaves her more hoarse. ]

[She gives a small shake of her head, keeping her eyes on Riley. Her stammering is worse. This is so hard for her, but Mukuro can't think of a way to make it any easier.]

...It's okay.
There's nothing you could say to scare me.

[Except maybe that, in her quiet even voice. Even if she hasn't given every detail of her work, she can still remind Riley she is a soldier, at the very least.]

[ Riley meanwhile can't keep her eyes anywhere in particular. They dart around, not focusing on anything. ]

We... S-s- someone...did something. An-n-nd it...w-we all for- forgot...who we were. We w- were all...human, and...th- there were other m-m- monsters, and- and we'd lived hhh- here. [ The emphasis is there, but mostly the word comes out hard because Riley's having trouble stringing the sentence together. ]

S-s- some of us...h-had f- f-f-families. Like, of...p-p- people here. [ She stops. She stops, very abruptly. This is— ] I didn't— m- my— ...mine b-b- back home, they're not. Um. They're...

[ She can't talk about this. She'll get in trouble. She'll make them hate her more. She'll— ]

I didn't. H-have that. Before. A- um. A g- good one.

[ It's so quiet in here. Riley wonders if Mukuro can hear her pulse too, or if it's just because it's beating in Riley's neck, her ear, all around her. ]

[Mukuro listens, giving Riley as much space as she needs to force out the words. The situation is unbelievable, and Mukuro accepts it instantly. In a world after death where people become monsters, what more could really surprise her?

But there's a particular pause, a very specific hesitation in Riley's speech, that draws her focus. An immediate sense of danger, curling low in her belly before she even fully registers it. Something trained into her long before she ever joined Fenrir, when her surname matched Junko's and neither of them had quite grown their fangs. She's very suddenly reminded of Mikan, of every awful mark under those bandages, and even before that she remembers how that fear felt crawling up her spine, how Junko would shake --

She swallows, and speaks, her voice low and slightly scratchy.]

...Yeah. I - me either.

[She realizes, coming back to herself, that she's gone so still she's stopped rubbing Riley's back - and corrects that, immediately. The last thing she wants is for Riley to feel like she's done something wrong, and she knows how very easy it can be to jump to that conclusion.]

And then...?

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHEERYCHERRY. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.46.820.17 * CHEERYCHERRY has joined 019.46.820.17 <CHEERYCHERRY> It's Riley! <CHEERYCHERRY> Please leave a message! <CHEERYCHERRY>** Please be someone with their priorities sorted out properly!

<fenrir>

<CheeryCherry>

<fenrir> -> action

cw: self-harm

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cw: intrusive thoughts, more self-harm, panic attacks to be safe

cw: mukuro's total lack of self-worth, memories of other (junko's) self-harm

cw: yeah definitely panic attacks here

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cw: passively suicidal? it's fine

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cw: parental abuse

cw: parental abuse..... 2!