isawallflower | riley screwed up; letters, room

Riley's room is a mess. None of you have been in here before, but... From the type of person she was? This is probably not normal. The big fuck-off mirror on the wall? It's cracked. The vanity lays on the floor next to it, so no prizes how that happened. Her clothes are in clumps on the floor, along with her things. Besides the trophy sitting on her armoire, most everything else is scattered about.

Bits of letters litter everywhere, and if you examine them? They're mostly her handwriting. Some are drafts of letters to the Phantom, demanding answers. Who else did I hurt? comes up a lot. What did I do? And one, I just wanted to be good enough. A few are...drafts of a letter on her bed. One to someone named Cairo.

They're all crumpled and stained with tears, or the handwriting is too shaky. It's hard to make out anything in these drafts other than I'm sorry, and...something about rain.

There is a message in shaky handwriting sitting on her bed, on top of a pile of letters. None of them are folded.

Please give this to Cairo Moore.
I don't deserve it, but she does.

The bed sheets are ripped off. Ripped up. A pillow's been stabbed, there's a bit of blood on it. Several stuffed animals are ripped to shreds. But, a teddy bear sits there, with one of Mephisto’s feathers. Not a scratch on it.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

[ The handwriting is...abysmal. Like, none of them are good but this is by far the worst. It's stained with tears. But it's the most complete letter she could write. ]

Cai,
I don't remember everything I did but I know I screwed everything up. I hope I didn't hurt you. I know you've figured it out by now. I could never hide anything from you. That's probably why I stopped taking your texts. Cairo, if I could take it all back, I would. I tried but I think I just made everything even worse. There's no way I'm getting out of this. I think you'd be the only one who’s miss me. I still hope you'd miss me. I know I don't deserve it.
All I want to do is say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I should've come to you. I wanted to be better, to be good enough. You deserved so much better than me. All of you did.
~~I'm scared~~ [ Horribly crosses out. Hard to read. Handwriting shakier. ]
Take care of the team.
I love you Cai. I'm sorry.
~ Riley

Edited 2020-07-25 17:13 (UTC)

Mephisto,
You're the first person besides Cairo who held me while I cried. You're the first person besides Cairo I felt okay with even seeing me cry. I don't know if I can explain how much that means to me.
I know you were trying to get my soul first or something. I should probably be upset about that, but I'm not. All this time I was looking for someone to be proud of me, to catch me when I fell. Someone who [ Handwriting shakier. ] would make me dinner, like a mom or dad. I forgot what that felt like. I don't care what came with it. I just wish I could've been worthy of it.
There's part of me that thinks of you and wants to fight because maybe you'd want me to. But it'd mean you and everyone else was gone and I can't do that. I can't be alone. Cairo will never forgive me I'm sure so whatever I do, I'll be alone. At least this way [ ...Ah. Ah, it's hard to read what's next, because the letter is wet. But, you can still make it out. ] some of you can go home.
I keep wishing I sold my soul to you. I'd feel better if it was with you, instead of where I know I'm going.
Thank you. I'm sorry.
~ Riley

Dr. Browning,
I wish I'd been brave enough to really tell you what happened. I was just so determined to believe it was a dream. That I wouldn't kill someone on my team. I liked Chess. Everyone liked Chess. I don't know what got me there. I just remember doing it and everything being so far away and [ Illegible. Looks like she started crossing things out but kept writing after that. Maybe she didn't have it in her to start again. ]
I never meant to lie to you. But I understand if you're mad. You did so much for me. Thank you for listening and taking an interest in what I liked. Please don't blame yourself. I think I might've needed more help than any of you could've given me.
I don't deserve to ask this. But I'm afraid for my team. If you could somehow get proof of my death to the police? I don't want them to think any of them could be hiding me. I know none of them would. But they have to be looking for me by now, after everything I did.
Don't think about your little girl when you think of me. She would've grown up to be like Christine or Red or Claudine or Nana or Shilo or Santana, any of them, not me. She would've been so much better.
I wish I could've been better too.
Thank you. I'm sorry.
~ Riley

Edited 2020-07-25 18:00 (UTC)

Jeremy,
I always felt like you kind of got it. Even if you didn't agree with what I said or why, you at least understood. I don't know if I've ever known someone who understood like that. I don't know if I'd ever let someone else who could've in. I think some of my team probably could've if I gave them the chance.
I never judged you for taking the SQUIP. Even now I keep thinking if I had something to just stop me from listening to the little voices in my head or being me or whatever then maybe none of this would've happened. Maybe I needed something to stop me from thinking. I wish I could've just stopped thinking. I wish I could've turned off. I wish I could be strong enough to just stop.
If we'd met outside here, I would've wanted to be your friend. Please get out of here. Take Christine and go home to Michael and live a much, much better and happier life.
Thank you for being my friend. I'm sorry.
~ Riley

Edited 2020-07-25 18:17 (UTC)

Christine,
I've always been in awe of you. You let yourself feel everything and you actually show what you're feeling. I hope you never lose this about you. I'm always terrified of what to say. I second guess everything and I'm so, so scared of what people think. I know it can't be easy to but you're always just you. Even with how horrible people can be, you're still you.
Please always be you. Everyone needs you. I wish I'd met you before all this. Maybe I could've been a better person or [ ...shakier handwriting. ] it was probably already too late for me.
I'm sorry I couldn't be the girl you thought I was. I'm sorry I made you believe I was something better. You're better, Christine. You deserve so much better.
Thank you for being my friend. I'm sorry.
~ Riley

Edited 2020-07-25 18:12 (UTC)

Nana,
There's nothing I can say or do to ever fix this. I should've known that before. I won't waste time trying to. You have every right to hate me. Please hate me.
I'm sorry.
~ Riley

Edited 2020-07-25 17:16 (UTC)

Steven,
Talk to someone about the things you remembered. They weren't dreams. It was stupid of me to try and think they were, and to encourage you they were too. Don't make my mistakes.
I'm a terrible, awful person. She didn't deserve what I did to her.
I'm sorry.
~ Riley

Edited 2020-07-25 17:31 (UTC)

Santana,
I'm a hypocrite and a coward. This means nothing coming from me. But please watch out for those stupid, stupid men? They're going to get themselves killed.
It was nice having another cheerleader around. I should've talked to you about it.
I'm sorry.
~ Riley

Edited 2020-07-25 17:12 (UTC)

Shilo,
If it's at all possible, please don't go back to the gross hell world you come from? I know, your dad. But if you get out of here, try and convince him there's more out there. You're a sweet girl. You deserve to live out in the world.
I'm sorry.
~ Riley

Edited 2020-07-25 16:46 (UTC)

Anne,
I wish I could've seen your show. A lot of what you said confused me but it was fun hearing about it.
I'm sorry.
~ Riley

Edited 2020-07-25 16:17 (UTC)

Angus,
I could never understand much of what you were telling me. I wish I tried listening more. Keep hoping okay?
I'm sorry.
~ Riley

Edited 2020-07-25 16:12 (UTC)

riley screwed up; letters, room

Cairo

Mephisto

Stephen

Jeremy

Christine

Nana

Steven

Santana

Shilo

Anne

Angus